On bearing the scars....

"No one cares about the hero until the hero has a crisis to overcome...that's when the story begins."

Someone from my distant past said that to me several weeks ago and it's caused me great pause in my own life, reflecting on what has happened in the last few months. I've experience the full breadth of emotions in that time: sadness, fear, anger, loneliness, disgust, regret, empathy, wistfulness, hope, shame. You name it, I've felt it.

In the midst of all that, it's been hard, but I'm trying to re-discover who I am. I'm not trying to re-define myself or turn into someone I know I'm not. I think I've just been trying to reacquaint myself with myself. 

So who am I? 

I'm a homebody that loves a good night on the town. I'm a Jesus-loving girl that enjoys going to church not just for the spiritual aspects, but for the friendship. I am not a city girl, but I love being in the city for small bursts of time. I am a family girl, but they drive me crazy sometimes and, in those moments, I don't feel guilty for wanting a break from them...even if that break lasts for a week or more at a time. I am very independent, but every now and again, I need to know that I can depend on someone else. I can be, and sometimes am, a very selfish person. I get angry at things and people and situations that I should direct my anger at. For lack of better words: "I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child...I'm a sinner, I'm a saint."

I have as many bad qualities as I do good. It's a matter of learning to exhibit the good and minimize the bad. It's learning to be okay when someone points out the bad and being able to recognize it on my own. 

It's understanding how I've been hurt and realizing where I failed and the hurt I caused. 

I am hurt and lonely. But I am also hurtful. 

I will take that feeling with me wherever I go and I will surely take it into my future. But rather than wallow in it, I will choose to feel it fully, learn from it, and move on. 

It's the only way anything will make sense.

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