On dressing the part....

Generally speaking, I avoid dressing how I feel. This is due, in large part, to the fact that I feel exhausted much of the time. If I dressed how I felt, you'd see me bra-less, in a crappy t-shirt, sweatpants, and athletic socks to my knees. It would be ugly. I'd whip my hair up in a sloppy French twist and maybe muster the energy to put on deodorant and mascara. But that would be pushing it.

There's something to be said for dressing the way you WANT to feel. I'll admit it: I've had some really rough days in the past few months. And nothing can start turning that feeling around faster that putting on a great dress and killer heels. That's only the beginning, though. I can't even begin to tell you how great I feel when I buck up and pop contacts in and put on a full face of makeup...we're talking four shades of eye shadow, liquid liner, curled lashes, the works!

I won't ever discount the validity of wallowing in a crappy feeling for a while. Sometimes, it just feels good to be in crappy clothes and not give a rip about how you look or who's judging you for looking that way. Screw 'em. We all deserve to have that day (or those days, because sometimes feeling crappy is a persistent bitch).

But at some point, enough is just enough and it's time to pull myself up and just pretend that I feel better than I actually do, because more often than not, I end up feeling better just by doing that.

So here's to party dresses, fancy heels, make-up, and anything else that makes me feel like a million bucks!

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On needing to feel needy....

If someone asked you, "What's the one thing you need, really NEED, right now?" how would you answer? I think most people would quickly answer with either sleep or money. And really, who doesn't need either or both of those pretty much every day? Sleep is a huge one for me, especially now, given that I'm running on about five hours, and even that wasn't uninterrupted. And money? Well, yeah, I definitely would have liked to win that Mega Millions jackpot...didn't we all? Oh, the places I'd go and things I'd do. If only.

But if we think a little deeper than just the surface of our physical lives, what is it that we really need? For each person, it's going to be a very different answer. Some need determination. Some might need some rest...not sleep, but rest. Some need to be understood while others need understanding. There are plenty of things we all need.

So what do I need right now? The easy answer is "a vacation." I can't even begin to describe how badly I want to get away for a week. Sadly, that just isn't in the cards this year. But what I think I really need is some peace and some understanding....of myself and of others. I have been feeling very lonely the last few days. Generally speaking, I've felt pretty good and mostly normal, but I have moments when the loneliness sets in more heavily than I could have ever expected. It's often so overwhelming that I'm not sure what to do about it. Do I cry? Do I exercise? Do I call my friends? Which friends do I call? Needing something makes me feel needy, which is not the way I ever want to appear, be, or feel. Sometimes my dogs even seem like they don't want to hang out with me. I know it's not true...they just like laying on their bed, which is in the bedroom and not in the living room where I usually hang out alone.

Maybe what I really need is a sense of accomplishment. To know that I started and completed something. Cleaning my house would be a good start. It's not trashed, it's just that there are things that could be cleaner. Like the floors. I should polish those...

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On chilling out...

I'll be the first to admit: there are times in life when I really need to take a chill pill. Wouldn't it be nice if those actually existed? If I could get a bottle of chill pills at the grocery store or, heck, while we're wishing, if I could get a prescription for it, I'd probably be able to manage stress and/or heightened emotions much, much better.

Recently, things around my office have been, shall we say, sheer insanity. At least four times in the last two weeks, I've definitely needed a chill pill. I just needed something to help me calm down and take things one step at a time. I'm usually pretty all right in high stress situations, but every now and again, one gets the best of me. And I've had two of those situations in as many weeks. It's exhausting. It drives me to the point of tears. I hate not knowing what to do when sh*t hits the fan. I'm usually the one that has that kind of stuff under control. Take a wedding I did last summer. I have never, in my life, seen one thing after another go so apocalyptically wrong in one day. But for whatever reason, I knew exactly how to handle each situation as it came along. I was able to see the bigger picture (let's get these crazy kids married) and work some scheduling magic to fit in some pretty key elements for the couple and their parents...all the while, not letting on that I was losing my frickin' mind over making it happen. The father of the bride came up to me during the reception and asked, "How are you so calm?!" There's no easy answer for that, but the truth is, there's no point in me getting worked up. It just makes things worse for the people at a wedding that matter the most (that being, everyone but me).

So why can't I manage the rest of my life the way I can manage wedding madness? Maybe it's because I don't know as much about my day job as I do about weddings. Maybe it's a lot of reasons. And because of that, I desperatelly wish that drug manufacturers would develop a chill pill.

However, there is another thing that certain people (cough cough Todd Newton) would say I need an even bigger chill pill for: Professional sports...especially regarding basketball...even more especially regarding Carmelo Anthony. I'm getting worked up just thinking about it.

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On taking the first steps....

Let's talk baby steps. I seem to be surrounded by them lately. My friend's son just took his first steps the other day (and really, is there anything cuter than that?); my best friend's son will likely be toddling about in the next few months. A co-worker's daughter is getting very close to walking.

It's interesting thinking about baby steps and watching them happen. I remember a picture of little Eli, nearly hysterical trying to pull himself to a standing position inside his crib. My best friend is, in every sense of the word, a wonderful mother...proven by the fact that she took the picture of Eli before calming him down. HA! But that little nugget was not going to quit until he was standing. Nope, he was going to do whatever it took and boy, did he!

We adults could learn a lot from these little ones. They just won't give up until they get it right. "I can't do it" is a phrase that simply doesn't exist for them (yet). They stumble and wobble and fall down, but no matter what, they get right back up and try it again until they finally get the hang of it.

I'm starting my own baby steps...again. With running. I want to run (I think). Well, the reality is that I *need* to run. I love cupcakes so I'll tolerate running in order to eat the cupcakes without guilt. I used to run. Well, I trained for one race and I thought I did all right with it. Then I just quit. It hurts. It gets hot. My lungs burn. I hate all those feelings, mostly the burning lungs.

But I'm going to give it another go. And maybe this time, I'll get it right. Maybe this time, I won't give up five weeks into training. Maybe this time, I'll convince myself to push harder and go longer. I'm not going to give myself a goal other than that. I won't say "I'm going to run a marathon" because the fact is, I don't know if I want to.

That's what my baby steps look like right now. Just get back on the treadmill a few times a week and not give up...and maybe read a book or two...

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On life's abnormalities....

I think we all have moments in life when we think, about ourselves, "Well, that's not normal!" I can think of plenty of things, situations, attributes about my life that have made me think that. Certainly there are some life changes that have taken place that make me feel extremely abnormal. There's the fact that it took me 11 years to get a bachelor's degree...that's not really normal. I could probably come up with an endless list of things that don't seem "normal," but if there's one thing I'd really like to change, it's this:

My perpetually chapped lips. I HATE that I can never seem to get my lips as soft and smooth as everyone else's appear to be. I have a remarkable supply of chapstick at my disposal and still, nothing seems to work. I've tried just about everything. I do masks (yes, I have a lip mask) and scrubs. I keep chapstick and moisturizing lipstick on hand and in every purse or bag I carry. I have it in my car and at my desk. It's ridiculous!

And apparently I'm about the only person I know that actually hates running. I wish I liked it. I see so many of my friends running and how much they love it and think, "I wish I had more normal knees and shins and could do that," but I don't, so whatever.

Sure, there are plenty of things about me that I'd like to change in order to seem more "normal," but without our (seeming) abnormalities, we'd be a pretty boring bunch, don't you think?

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On choosing the right tools....

When I was about 22 years old, I decided to buy myself a really nice set to Craftsman tools for Christmas. It was one of the most useful things I've ever given myself. And there's nothing quite as fun, at least for me, as the first time you buy a really good tool.

I grew up around tools. My dad is a master with them and always had the best of the best for everything from hammers to tablesaws. It helps to have a garage filled with nothing but Craftsman and Ryobi when you're building and remodeling entire portions of a house. Generally speaking, I know my way around a hardware store and can usually sound well-informed when asking about products and tools.

I'll never forget the first time I got a power drill. Oh....m'gawd. There was so much I wanted to reinforce just because I could! My dad taught me how to use one when I was probably 8 or 10 years old. It's a very empowering feeling for a little girl to have control over such a massive tool!

Yet, despite all those amazing home improvement tools, the best tool I have ever gotten (as a gift, nonetheless) is my apple slicer/corer/peeler. During the summer and fall, I use the crap out of that thing! I could make 10 pies a day, just because I have that magical tool. And BONUS! I was recently schooled on how to get the thing to *actually* suction to the counter, making it infinitely more enjoyable to use! 

It's really kitchen tools that make my heart skip beats. I'm a champ with things like hammers, drills, tape measures, and the like (I've even been known, on more than one occasion, to request a pink toolbelt for Christmases and/or birthdays *cough cough wink wink*), but there's little else that excites me the way a new KitchenAid attachment, spatula, or veggie slicer does.

And let's not get started on cookie presses and cutters...

On giving it a name....

I have long had a love-hate relationship with technology. There are few things in life that I enjoy and despise as much as consumer electronics. Every time a new gadget comes out (especially if it's from Apple), I feel like I have to have it! But the second it breaks? DRAMA!!!

Despite all of the emotions I experience when it comes to technology, each piece I've ever owned has a special place in my heart. So special, in fact, that I've been known to name my stuff.

Several years ago, I was in dire need of a new laptop. This was years before I'd be converted to a MacGirl, so I was given a lovely Dell computer as a gift that arrived at my office and, lo and behold, it was PINK! I mean, obviously it would be pink. That just makes sense for me! Around the same time, this incredibly obnoxious commercial played routinely on Saturday mornings...it was some bizarre toy for girls and the commercial just kept screaming, "Pink! Sparkly! Fun!" over and over again. One day, the commercial was playing while we were formatting my computer (and by "we" I definitely mean "he") so the computer was offically named PINKSPARKLYFUN.

Ever since then, every single bit of technology I've owned has been named that...I currently have a PINKSPARKLYFUNiPhone, a PINKSPARKLYFUNiPad, and a PINKSPARKLYFUNMacBook. Ironically (or not), every single one of them has a pink case (though none of them necessarily sparkly, but definitely fun).

So there you have it. Even when I think I hate something, I still love it enough to give it a name.

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