On being average....

There are a lot of times in life when I just want to be the best at everything, anything, whatever comes my way. I get this feeling in my gut when someone tells me I can't do something that makes me want to be the best EVER and just go for it. This has happened with a lot of things...and I think my desire to prove myself started when I was about 12-years-old and I just never stopped. Being told that I can't do something just makes me want to be the strongest, smartest, thinnest, fastest, generally the bestest at all of it.

Unfortunately, life often gets in the way and I simply don't have the time or energy (or money) to make myself be the greatest. But maybe that's not such a bad thing after all. Maybe, just maybe, our moments of sheer ordinariness are what makes us all so special. This constant barrage from media, peers, bosses, parents, everyone telling us that we have to be the best at something (or everything) just doesn't make sense. Mostly, it doesn't make sense because it's just not possible. I'll never have the prettiest house or the fanciest car or be the smartest at math or run the fastest 10K or be able to lift a bazillion pounds or have the flattest abs. I just won't. And I think it's high time that I decide that I'm okay with that.

Because my version of "ordinary" is not the same as yours, or anyone else's. My "ordinary" makes me different. Where I am ordinary, someone else is remarkable (the bestest, even)...and the reverse is true as well. Maybe my ordinary is remarkable to someone else.

Not recognizing our own ordinary as often exceptional is discounting some of the greatest pieces of ourselves. It leads us to false expectations and crappy comparisons. It has the danger of making us feel like we're somehow not worth it because there's this one things (maybe even twelve things) we can't do. So what? I'm struggling to find a good reason not to celebrate my ordinary, frankly. I won't ever be good at math, so there's no point in me frustrating myself to try. Rather, shouldn't I focus on the fact that I'm incredibly organized and use THAT to push and motivate myself? I'll probably never be able to run a marathon, but I can jog with my dogs and enjoy the time I have with them and my music. My house won't ever be the prettiest one out there, but it's certainly a home and I can revel in filling that home with little ones and memories.

My ordinary may very well be just that. But it's MY ordinary and no one else's ordinary will ever be like mine.

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On getting serious with me....

I recently read a post by Ash Ambridge via Erika Nepolitano (RedHeadWriting...really, you should check out both sites, because they're pretty awesome gals) which was something of a wake-up call for me. For a long time, I've been flirting with a lot of career moves...well, I've been flirting with starting a career at all, frankly. I've spent the last 10 years of my life - TEN YEARS - simply having jobs. At 31-years-old, it's high time I get my act together and start doing things that make me happy, things that I'm passionate about. And yes, I'd really like to make some money doing it.

It took (and will continue to take) some slaps in the face from life (and great writers and business people) to show me that there are things that I love to do and that I'm good at doing and that I should get paid to do. Wedding planning has long been something that I've loved. I'm good at it. I know I am. I'm efficient and organized, almost to a fault, which comes is really handy sometimes. But beyond simply weddings, I love planning events. Anyone that knows me, knows that I love to throw a party. It's not really the party itself that I love (though I do thoroughly enjoy doing that); it's the planning and the behind-the-scenes that I really get all up-in-arms about. Same goes for weddings. I revel in knowing the ins-and-outs of one of the most important days in a couples life.

So I'm making an executive decision that at the end of the summer, I'm going to take this whole wedding/event thing a lot more seriously. I want to get a designation; I want to make some money; I want to live every part of my life passionately and fully. I know it's going to be quite the undertaking. I have no idea what any of it means. I know that it'll essentially be a second job for a good long while. I don't know the analytics behind it. But I know that I want to do it. And knowing is half the battle (thanks, GI Joe)...

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On feeling engaged....

I think we all have a path; some sort of destiny that we're to fulfill. Some find their path much sooner than others. Some, like me, take their sweet time trying to figure out exactly what they're supposed to do and when to do it. But with that, I think there are several paths that we're all destined to take. Life is too long and too interesting to only take one journey, right? There are a few paths that I want to get going on (career and mother) and others that I've successfully completed (student) and still others that will be on-going, that my future paths will meet up with (daughter, sister, friend, wife).

Recently, I've been kind of focused on the "career" side of things. For a long time, I've felt like I've been living just A life and not MY life, in that regard. I wonder what it feels like to know that what you're doing is what you're meant to do. I watched the finale of the Oprah Show while I was in Boston and, damn. That woman is inspirational! She's just a really good speaker. She spent much of the show talking about how what she'd been doing for the last 25 years was exactly what she knew she was always meant to do. I don't know if that's luck or skill or ingenuity or what, but it's something. Whatever it is, we all have it in us to do what we're meant to do.

Knowing you're full of life comes with that territory. When we finally figure out exactly what we're supposed to be doing, our life suddenly becomes engaged, as if we're finally in-gear and can make things happen. I don't know that I've ever felt fully engaged yet, but I have had moments that made me feel like I had just made a good decision. Like the time I quit a horrible job with no job on the horizon and only a couple grand in savings. It felt amazing to know I'd just done something really good for myself. Little moments like that crop up all the time, but I'm very curious to know what it feels like when that giant moment of recognition and engagement happens...?

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On living in the moment....

There are people that like surprises and people that loathe them entirely. I'm part of the group that likes them. In fact, I kind of love them. I think that probably has a lot to do with my propensity for organization and planning. When you have the capability of planning a day (nay, a LIFE) out in 15-minute increments, surprises are a welcome, well, surprise.

I hate when plans go awry or when wrenches get thrown into the mix...surprises of a bad nature are never welcome. I think most people would agree with that. I mean things like getting an unexpected email (or better, a card in the snail mail) or coming home to a clean house or having chocolates dropped off on my desk. I'm a huge fan of THOSE kinds of surprises. When I was planning my wedding, I left two rather important things to chance/surprise...the guestbook and my flowers. Yup. I left my flowers up to chance. I told the designer the basic idea of what I wanted and let her go to town. I never saw a single design that she'd planned, never saw what would be the finished product of a single flower until she brought them to the ceremony. Part of that was because I trusted her (and her impeccable portfolio) intrinsically and part of it was because, with all the planning, I knew every single detail of the entire day and knew exactly how everything would play out. There would be no mistakes, no surprises, nothing would happen without my express consent. And it didn't. So those flowers...man, what a wonderful surprise that was! I damn near cried when I saw them.

None of that is really the point. The point, I think, is to allow yourself the chance to be surprised. I often tell people that they could tell me the end to just about any movie and if I end up actually watching it, I'll still be surprised by the ending. Hell, Titanic was practically a surprise to me! Enjoying life's happy surprises are part of my way of trying to live in the moment. So often, I get caught up in planning (and I assure you, I can plan w-a-y far in advance...like, years in advance) that I forget to enjoy the moments of NOW. So for those of you who hate surprises, I challenge you to let yourself start enjoying even the smallest ones. And those of you, like me, who live for the surprises, keep on keeping on...you never know when the next one will hit you!

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On the validity of life....

"It's not like I subsist on external validation; but it is nice to get it from time to time." - me

For a long time, I think I did subsist on external validation. It was like I had to hear from someone else that I was good enough or smart enough in order to really believe it for myself. It took a good long while (and some counseling) to finally start believing that I was good enough simply because I thought I was good enough.

Still though...it's nice to hear it every now and again. I think if we're all honest with ourselves, we all like to heard how good or smart we are at something, especially the things that are important to us. It's part of being human, I suppose. The feeling of knowing we're valued holds a lot of weight with us. We're emotional beings; some of us wear emotions openly (I'm that person most of the time) and some of us can hide them, but at the end of the day, we all feel the emotions brought on by life.

Our day jobs are probably one of the biggest places we need to feel validated and worth it. We pursue more education and designations for our own well-being, sure, but we also pursue it in an effort to be noticed by the people that matter (read: the people that can increase our paycheck and our titles). We spend the majority of our time at our day jobs, so it becomes part of who we are. And knowing that we're contributing to the overall growth of our company or business is something that a lot of us want to be a part of. Sometimes, that external validation falls flat...we simply aren't recognized or rewarded. And that SUCKS. It just does.

The problem is when that lack of validation starts to permeate the rest of our life. We are more than our work. Despite how hard a lot of us work at our jobs, we are more than just designers and programmers and paper pushers and analysts. I've noticed, for myself, that a lack of validation in one area of my life can start to drastically affect the rest of my life. If I'm not a good "x", then I must not be a good "y" or "z." I mean, it's not true, but the feelings happen. It's in those moments that a) I am glad I have friends who will validate me and b) it's time to take stock of things I am good at and that I love to do. I'm good at baking (I'm REAL good at baking); I throw a mean party; I'm organized (almost to a disturbing degree). I am a sum of very many parts; just because one part doesn't always feel right doesn't mean the rest aren't exactly as they should be.

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On remembering the good times....

I feel like I've been doing a great deal of reminiscing lately. Sometimes, I really just like to think about the past and all the good things that happened there. Sure, there are plenty of parts about my history that I'd be happy to forget, but in the midst of all that crap, there are a lot of bright, happy, shiny moments. Those are the ones that I like to think about from time to time.

Do you ever have moments that you'd like to go back to? Portions of life that you'd really love to re-visit? I do. One that comes up for me is singing with my college choir in Minnesota at Christmas time. I assure you, that was one of the hardest years I'll probably ever experience, but being with that choir was something that I relish. There were times that I absolutely HATED singing some of the things we did, but if you know me, Christmas time is something I kind of live for. And singing Christmas-y songs is something I'll never tire of. I can remember pretty distinctly some of the feelings I had doing those songs and being with those people. A lot of happiness surrounds those few weeks and I loved it! That was also the time when there was something seriously wrong with one of my ears and, being that I was a broke college kid still being supported by my parents, I had no way of seeing a doctor in the dinky MN town I was living in. I realized during all of that, there was nothing that could keep me from singing. I tried to see the good in it. It was like one my ears was constantly plugged up so it was almost like I had a permanent monitor. It was annoying as all get-out, but I couldn't seem to do anything about it so whatever. Fortunately, my mom was (and still is) a champion at scheduling all our doctor and dentist visits when one of us would come home from school at breaks so she forked over the cash and I got my ears figured out. Phew!

Christmas time that year was pretty happy-go-lucky for me, like most Christmases tend to be. I miss a lot of those people and am only vaguely connected to a few of them anymore, but man...those were some good times. I got to be girly and weird along with some of the girliest and weirdest girls I'll probably ever meet. There's nothing quite like living in a dorm with great people. So many of the girls I sang with I also lived with and I knew, without a doubt, that they had my back that year (despite some of the less-than-awesome things I got in trouble over).  We laughed and cried and celebrated over a lot of things...those were (and are) amazing girls.


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On making changes....

I have lost a lot of motivation for writing lately. I used to want to write all the time; now, while I still want to write, I feel like I have nothing to say and no energy to think of anything. The wedding blog is something I want to pursue with a LOT more gusto than I have been and I've been trying to think of topics to write on for that.

But for this, my more personal musings, there's just not a whole lot I can think of. It might have something to do with just a lot of other things going on in my life right now. Nothing exciting, unless you count "installing a 9x35 patio" as exciting. It will be once we're done, but holy crap...it's quite the exhausting undertaking! Just digging up the turf was something I wouldn't wish on anyone! We now have a giant hole in our backyard and are waiting for the rest of the materials to be delivered...everything should be done by the end of this coming weekend. Hallelujah!

Speaking of that, because of vacations and the patio, I'm on a brief hiatus from church. I feel like, even with some of the cursing that inevitably comes from both traveling and home improvements, I'm doing my own bit of "worship" just by being outside and enjoying all that summer has to offer. I don't think Colorado had an official Spring this year and I'm quite okay with that. I've been itching for 85* and patio dining for MONTHS so having sweltering heat over the weekend (not to mention our first trip to the farmer's market) was a long time coming for me. I'm going to make a point of being outside and slowing down just as much as I possibly can this summer. I want to enjoy the weather and the time for as long as I can. I hear that the older we get, the faster time screams by. Well, the first 6 months of 2011 certainly have proved that adage to be true, but for at least the next 3 months, I need to slow down, baby (as Ms. Aguilera puts it).

I've been itching for some change lately and the patio is helping out. Plus, we re-arranged the house again and I really like what we did. But as for personal change, I'm hacking off my hair tonight and coloring it next week. And I've been craving a new tattoo for a long time. I was going to get one for graduation and I forgot; I was going to get one for my birthday and I forgot. So maybe I'll get one this summer...and try not to forget (again). Fortunately, the design is already done so it's just a matter of actually DOING it...and finding an artist that's worth a crap. My original tattoo is such a testament to how young and uneducated I was about tattoos. 21 is just not a great age to make major life choices, if you ask me.

So with all of that said, welcome to summer! Let the good times roll!

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