On changing of the guard....

Inhibitions are funny things, aren't they? I think for all of us, we have and lose them with a great deal of regularity. The frequency of that change is debatable and probably changes quite a bit, but they come and go nonetheless.

Ten years ago, I was 22 years old. Lord knows, I was markedly less inhibited. I was nigh on crazy, if I'm being totally honest. I made stupid choices (resulting in often-painful consequences) and generally lived life as if every day were my last day on earth. I was silly, reckless, out of control, and more often than not, a pretty horrible person. That said, I was also pretty reserved, as far as my emotions were concerned. I did just about everything I could to keep people from getting in. I had things happen to me in my early 20s that kept me from letting people access who I really was. So while I was outwardly a complete headcase, everything the mattered remained hidden. You don't go through those kinds of things and not wind up a little hardened.

Ten years later, I'm discovering that everything has sort of flipped. I maintain a considerable amount of control over my person (and my wallet, thank God)...well, most of the time. I still have my moments of crazy, but they are just that: moments. It's not a lifestyle anymore. And when it comes to emotions, hard as it may be, I'm a little more apt to let people see all of it...the good, the bad, and (unfortunately) the ugly. I don't know how I could have gotten through the last several months without experiencing some semblance of emotion. I think I probably still have a hardened exterior. It's a select few that get to see the "real" me. I still have a compulsion to maintain a front. I'm working through that and trying to remind myself that perfection, while a nice idea, is unattainable and nobody really likes it anyway. It's the communism of emotions.

Fully experiencing emotion is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I also think that, at some point, it will be one of the most rewarding. Feeling how I feel right now isn't easy. Loneliness, abandonment, and fear are horrible places to be. But I know that the flip side of all of that has to be on the horizon, however far away it might be.

And every morning, I get to look east toward what is, can, and probably will be a beautiful horizon...I just have to move toward it.  

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