On being forceably severed....

One of the worst feelings is being cut off. From people, places, things...it just kind of sucks. And maybe it's not actually BEING cut off, but FEELING cut off. I'm someone that likes, even needs, to feel connected at all times. I haven't watched the morning news in several days and that's starting to get to me. I like knowing what's going on around me and in the world. I've even been known to check my email while camping. Yes, I'm THAT person. I can shut technology down for a little while, but we're talking a couple hours or so. I can't shut down for days or weeks at a time.

I like having noise around me. Music, television, that kind of stuff. White noise, really. It keeps me from feeling alone, keeps me from getting lonely.

So when I feel cut off, I start to panic a little. I know it's probably best for me, to be honest. A little down time from life and noise never killed anyone (at least, not anyone I know). I have a friend who takes down time every now and again, killing music in her car and house just so she can be alone with her thoughts without distraction. I've never been able to do that. I've never even been able to fathom it. Being distracted from my life and my problems is something I've become accustomed to. It's how I've learned to survive.

When I was working full time and going to school nearly full time, I started to freak out a little...to the point that I almost gave up on school (for what would have been the fourth time). During dinner with a friend, she said to me, "Never stop to think about how crazy what you're doing is...you'll probably kill yourself." The last part, I assure you, was hyperbole. But it's how I coped with the craziness. I just kept distracting myself from how insane my life was getting and eventually I managed not only to survive it, but successfully complete my mission. And when I finally stopped long enough to really think about how crazy my life had been for the last several years, I ended up getting as sick as I've been in probably 10 years. My mom said, "Hey, you got quite a few good years out of your body, never really getting sick...maybe you needed to shut down."

And while my mother may have been correct (I'm fairly certain she was), I really don't like the idea of being cut off or shutting down when it's not on my own terms. I hate it, in fact. But reality sets in from time to time and that's just what happens. Situations and circumstances get the best of me and being cut off is a necessary evil. It sucks, there's no denying that. I guess I just wish I could figure things out without having to forcefully be alone with my thoughts and problems.

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