On changing things up....

In less than one week my life has changed - and will change - dramatically. I quit my job a week ago today. This whole "early retirement" thing was a shock to the system. I'm still waking up at 5am every day and I'm pretty sure I'm more tired now than I ever was when I was working full time. Running errands, spending more time with the dogs, cleaning like a crazy person, doing yard work...it's madness! Each day, I get home from running around and it's all I can do to haul myself up to my bedroom and collapse onto the bed. I definitely did not expect that. 

To be fair, it's been a lot of fun stuff. I went on an eight mile bike ride yesterday, which I'd been itching to do. What I failed to take into consideration was the amount of hills in my city combined with my single gear cruiser bike. I looked a hot mess by the time I got home! I've gotten to go running without worrying about time. Grocery shopping during the day, however, is a complete joke. I'm certain that drivers are worse in the parking lots at one in the afternoon than they ever could be at six in the evening. Ridiculous. 

For the first three days of "retirement," I had plenty to keep me busy. Then yesterday, the boredom set in. I had absolutely nothing to do. And it sucked. I didn't really want to drive anywhere because gas is so expensive. Which also meant I couldn't take myself out for lunch. It was too hot to run or bike. The dogs were happy playing in the backyard. I had nothing to cook and didn't want to make cupcakes. All the laundry was done. My stuff is as packed as it can get. Seriously, there was nothing to do. 

I think that's my biggest fear when I finally get to Virginia and have all the free time in the world. I suppose the dogs and I will be taking many trips to the local dog park. I'd love to try to do yoga on my own. And I'll need to start running again in earnest. It's just that everything costs money. And we're trying our hardest to get rid of nearly all our debt before we move to Maryland, so spending money in Virginia isn't really going to be an option. It even costs money to go to the beach! Annoying. 

I've read blogs and advice columns from women who are housewives without kids and I'm still not really sure what I'm supposed to do with all my time. Outside of cleaning and cooking, what does one do with no money and all the time she could imagine? It's kind of funny to me, how drastically things have changed. I used to have money and no time. Now it's just the opposite. Harumph. 

I have a list a mile long of things I want to make when I get out there. The very first thing on my list is chocolate chip cookies. I've been struggling with those stupid cookies for nearly 15 years so I'm hoping the elevation (or lack thereof) will help me finally master my recipe. Fighting with recipes can be fun, but only for so long. It's high time I get those cookies under control. 

So there you have it. "Retirement," while awesome, is also going to take some getting used to. At least initially. I watched a TV show the other day where one of the characters retired (like, really retired, not just quit a job because he could) and he didn't really have any idea what to do with himself. I found myself identifying a little bit. I mean, when you've spent your entire life (or what seems like your entire life) working and suddenly you don't have to do that anymore, what are you supposed to fill all the time with? It's a real problem. A real question. 

I'm going to write (I really can't wait to get an office set up in our house in Maryland). I'm going to cook (it's going to be a lot like Julie & Julia. I'm just going to learn to make all the things I've been wanting to learn). I'm going to become a brilliant mixologist. I'll throw parties. And, my body will thank me for this, I'm going to keep running and doing yoga. And maybe I'll even go swimming from time to time, despite my fear of the ocean (I'm really going to need to get over that). Maybe I'll learn to make jewelry. I want to learn how to decorate cupcakes better. 

There's plenty to do. It's just a matter of doing it. And getting used to it. 

And maybe there will be kids involved someday...



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On the fear of debt collectors....

1 Timothy 6:10 - For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.

I’m convinced this is one of the most misquoted pieces of Scripture out there. More often than not, it’s simply stated that “MONEY is the root of all evil.” False. That’s never been true. Money can’t inherently be evil. If it were, there are lot of necessities that we’d probably end up stealing.

The LOVE of money, however…that kind of evil makes sense. At least, it does to me.

I wonder, though, if it goes further than just loving money.

I’ve never considered myself a lover of money. I mean, I like having it and I like spending it, but I wouldn’t say I’m in love with it. Quite the opposite, in fact. I’m terrified of it. I’ve spent the better half of my life living in fear of money. I hate debt. I hate being in debt. I hate worrying about how my bills are going to get paid.

My entire life, it feels like I’ve been a slave to money. Okay, not my entire life. But basically since I got my first car when I was 17. I’ve always owed someone money for something. Cars. Houses. Education. Credit cards (damn those necessary and evil things). And it’s the owing of money that has me terrified of money. I always wonder if I’ll have enough to retire on or if I’ll be able to support (or help support) a family or if I’ll get to travel the way I want to.

I’m a master budgeter. I have finances planned out for the next two to three years. In some ways, it makes me feel more comfortable. In other ways, I think if I deviate – even slightly – from that budget, everything will fall to pieces. I give myself very little wiggle room when it comes to money. I put a plan in place and I try desperately to stick to it. And when I inevitably don’t, I punish myself for it.

So is being afraid of money essentially the same thing as loving money?

I’d wager to say “yes” (ah haha…money pun). It really is.

What I think Timothy really meant is that being a slave to money, either through love or fear, isn’t healthy and distracts us from things that are so much more important. Things like taking the time (and money) to enjoy our families and our lives. Or giving back to the church (if you’re the Jesus-lovin’, church-goin’ type). Or simply not living in fear of the tiniest amount of debt.

I’m not suggesting anyone should be flighty or reckless with cash. I’m just suggesting that maybe it’s time to re-evaluate the way I view money, debt, and finances in general. And, because I am the Jesus-lovin’, church-goin’ type, maybe I re-think this fear of money and learn to trust a little more.

Things have a way of working themselves out. Fear not.

On taking a different route....

Working mom v. Stay at Home mom. 

Hell, working WOMAN v. Stay at Home WOMAN. 

It's quite a choice to make, isn't it? 

While I've never been a mother, I have been a woman for, well, just over 33 years now. And I've been working for 17 of those years. Like, legitimately working. Hard. I started working when I was 16 years old and haven't stopped. I got my first corporate job when I was 20 (after I dropped out of college) and basically just kept climbing that stupid ladder from then. I've been an executive assistant, a contracts liaison, an insurance agent, and, most recently, sales/service for a cheese company. I've made very small steps in my career, but each step has been both up and forward and, for me, that's is progress. 

During all that nonsense, I also finally completed my Bachelor's degree, something I honestly didn't think I'd ever do. It was hard and painful. There were plenty of tears and late nights and exhausted mornings (because I was still working full time). 

So working has become normal for me. A routine. I've done it for more than half my life at this point. And frankly, I like making money. I like being able to buy things and go out to dinner and have fun. 

And in one week, all of that is going to end. 

I'm "opting out." 

I'm choosing to spend my time taking care of a husband and a home (not to mention two little doggies). Part of it is out of necessity. I'm moving to one state for only about five months before moving again to another state where we'll be for three years. So a five month hiatus from the stress of my current life doesn't sound all that bad. But once we get to state # 2, I'm starting to wonder whether or not I should try to get another job. I suppose those first five months will help me decide. Will I be bored? Will I feel useless? Will I want to contribute - financially, to our home, and professionally, to the world? Will I feel like I'm missing out on something? My biggest fear, however is: Will I feel like I'm taking advantage of my new husband's career and finances? My second biggest fear is: Will I feel guilty for "wasting" my expensive, hard-earned college degree? 

My dream job, for as long as I can remember (except for that time in high school when I was sure I was going to be in the CIA) has been to write. I want to get paid to write. More recently, that became an even more focused desire to write for Vanity Fair. If you've never picked up that magazine, I highly recommend that you do. The writing is brilliant. If you need some back issues to look at, I have some recommendations. It's the perfect read for me...fashion, culture, op-ed, history. It's everything good about magazines without being weighed down by garbage (though it is quite a heavy magazine...thank God for the iPad edition!). That's the publication I want to write for. The reality is that it's probably way too late for me to start trying to go for that. So I just need to find other ways to write and get paid. 

The truth is, I think I'll love being at home. I've often wondered why more companies don't offer a telecommute option, regardless of whether someone is a parent or not. I've found that most people are far more productive at home than they are in an office (at least, some of the time). There are fewer interruptions and, frankly, it's nice to not have to wake up at 5:30am to take a shower and dress is business casual. Somedays, a girl just needs sweatpants, a pony tail, endless coffee, and a laptop. Talk about efficiency! It's the lack of making money and helping our financial situation that bothers me. 

I've thought about volunteering to curb any potential boredom, but that's really just working without getting paid and, as I've said before, I like making money. I also don't want to work at Starbucks or a bar. Well, to qualify, I don't want to work at some crappy dive. If I worked at a bar, it would have to be somewhere that I can be creative and not just sling beer. I want to do something that interests me. Even working part-time, I want to be challenged and intrigued. I want to contribute. 

So there you have it. "Opting out" is never going to be as easy as it sounds. There are so many variables to consider. And not one "opt out" person is like the next. 

On living a life of abundance....

Last night, for the first time, I cried during yoga.

I've been fighting a nasty cold for nearly a week and haven't been able to run in way too long. I hadn't been to a yoga class in two weeks. My whole body just ached. I felt weak and powerless, but like I really needed to be there that night. I figured I do the best that I could and if that meant being in a resting pose for an hour, then that's what that meant.

My instructor was at Wanderlust in Copper Mountain over the weekend (in the gorgeous, refreshing mountain air while I was sweltering on the east coast, learning how to be a military beach bum) and she told the class she had a special message from one of her favorite yogis. Shelly always has something special or fun or insightful to say and everything she says always just makes me feel good so I was looking forward to whatever gem she was going to offer.

Shelly's end-of-class mantra always includes the words, "Keep smiling!" She lives in a world of smiles and joy and abundance. I don't know her that well, but what I do know is that she finds the good in things. When Boston and Newtown happened, she took it as an opportunity to encourage us to put light and love into the world. That's just the kind of person she is.

But last night's little nugget of happiness hit me like a ton of bricks.

BE UNAPOLOGETIC ABOUT BEING ABUNDANTLY JOYFUL. (Shiva Rae)

I immediately started crying and dammit if my ujjayi breath didn't force more and more tears out. Suffice it to say, I had a hard time breathing in and out my nose last night. Between the tears and the headcold muck, I mostly just schnucked and sniffed and huffed through my whole practice. I sang along with songs. I didn't really give a rip about breathing or focus or intention. Or maybe I did. I just kept thinking about the last few months of my life and the next few to come and how, for some reason, I've felt a need to be "sorry" or secretive about how happy I really am.

So here's my reality.

I'm getting married in FIFTY DAYS! FIFTY! That's completely bonkers to me! Most of the planning is done. It's not all the hard because of how small the wedding is. The boy I'm marrying is fantastic and amazing and there's not a way for me to be more excited about what our future holds. We chose to have a small wedding for a couple reasons. 1 - it's #2 for each of us so the bill is entirely on us and we're moving AGAIN in less than six months. 2 - we wanted a small wedding. That's it. We just wanted something intimate and easy. I'm excited to share the day with our parents, siblings, and my best friends (I'm lucky enough to have three...and I'm certainly not apologizing for that). If we're lucky, Jeff's best friend will be able to join us too. I'm excited about all the people and vendors that have helped me be able to do certain things (photography, my flowers, etc) either inexpensively or free. I'm grateful for the generosity of creativity that has been lavished on me. I thought about getting a cheap and/or second-hand wedding dress, but instead I just went for it. I got a real wedding dress. A designer dress. And then, with a little more luck, a co-worker offered me an off-the-rack designer reception dress for next to nothing.

I'm friggin' excited! I am not sorry about that. It shouldn't have to be a secret. I get to embark on a new life with a wonderful man and there's no reason not to feel anything less than thrilled about it! And I have every intention of celebrating the awesomeness of this marriage to its fullest, whatever that means. I don’t always know what that looks like, but I know I’m going to celebrate in whatever big and small ways I feel like it.

But here's the thing: I'm also a little terrified. Not of getting married. I'm a little scared of moving. I'm nervous about leaving the only home I've ever really known. All my friends are here. My church is here...the place I've been a part of for almost 20 years. That's a really long time to belong somewhere. My running trails are here. Short story: my history is here. It's hard to leave that. I'm a Colorado girl, through and through. Maybe a little part of me thought I always would be and here I am jaunting off to new territory, new running terrain (and altitude), and new adventures. I'm afraid of forgetting and being forgotten. I'm afraid of moving away from the familiar.

And yet, none of that makes me NOT want to do this.

I'm excited!

I'm unapologetic!

And I'm outta here!

On occupational hazards....

I'm moving to the East Cost in 75 days. Holy crap. I kind of can't believe how quickly it's sneaking up on me. Today, I handed my resignation letter over to my boss. There aren't really words to describe how much I'm going to miss my job and my co-workers. This job has done a lot for me, especially where stability is concerned. My life went into some pretty big upheaval right around the time I started working here and it was something I was able to count on every single day to get me up and keep me going. 

But my life is taking a much different route than I ever thought it would. So it's time to put my thinking cap on and find new and interesting ways to occupy my time while I'm unemployed during my first few months on the East Coast. So far, I've come up with the following activities: 

1. Train for my first marathon. 

2. Find a yoga studio and keep my practice going. 

3. Learn to cook and bake new things. 

4. Start writing again, in earnest.

It's #3 where I sort of fall apart. I want to learn to make sushi and I want to perfect my prime rib. I also need to re-learn how to bake since I'll be doing it at sea level for the first time in my life. I'm both excited and terrified. So I'm asking for help in figuring out recipes I should learn for meals and desserts. Here's what's on my list right now: 

•  some kind of cupcake with an avocado frosting
•  caramelizing onions (probably for French onion soup, so I can continue to make Leah's amazing recipe...I'll probably work my way through her recipe catalog)
•  cook an amazing boeuf bourguignon (I'm starting to wonder if I should do a Julie & Julia thing...)
•  figure out how to do a souffle dessert
•  perfect my green chili
•  learn how to make Surf n' Turf
•  try to make legit chicken korma
•  complicate my baklava a bit in preparation for Christmas

So there you have it, my darling readers...give me your ideas and recipes and help me stay occupied this Fall! 

On living with intention....

I go to my yoga studio three to five times every week. Hey, you tell me unlimited classes, I'm going to take as much advantage of that as I possibly can...despite the fact that some have told me that's "too much yoga." Is there really such a thing as "too much" yoga? Doubtful.

Anyway, every time we start class, the instructor asks us to set an intention for our practice. I imagine that's just a standard yoga teacher thing. Regardless, I always try to think of something that I need to focus on for myself. Most recently, it's been either strength or peace. I often combine each of those with something else, kind of like a main course and a side dish. I mean, it's my practice so I'll take from it what I can get. Usually, I combine them with something that's seemingly opposite, but really it's complementary. With strength, I also focus on beauty. With peace comes joy. And it almost never fails me. Focusing on things that are good and "breathing out that which no longer serves me" has helped me in huge ways over the last few months.

The levels of stress I've competed with in the last two or three months (to say nothing of the last two YEARS) have really thrown me for a loop. I mean, I'm a pretty hard core adrenaline junkie, but these loops have been way more than I ever wanted to be thrown for. I stopped being able to sleep through the night and I was constantly worried about something (usually finances). Things would wake me up in the middle of the night that I either couldn't control or that I could deal with in the morning. But awake I would be and awake I would stay. My finances got completely out of whack, which is something that - in all honesty - has NEVER happened to me before.

Then, sometime back in January, I read the book "The Secret" and it changed something in me. I stopped thinking about all the negative in my life. I started using as much positive talk as I could come up with. There's something profound and powerful in removing negative words from one's speech patterns. It changes the way I approach so many situations in my life now. I try, as best I can, to find whatever silver lining is available. Sure, there have been things that have thrown me and I completely forget to do this (like my move, for example), but on the whole, I try to keep a positive outlook. I remember looking at my finances, completely overwhelmed and disappointed and angry about it, and I said, "I just need [this much money] to get things under control." I did what I could, but the money never came. I tried getting a job at a bar. I did some secret shopping. But the amount that I needed just never came. So that lofty plan went on the back burner and I just plugged away at my debt as much as I could.

I started doing yoga in April and it changed my life. I learned to breathe and I learned to do it with intention. My teachers always remind us during class that, so often, during the day, we simply get too busy and forget to breathe. How is that even possible? I don't know, but now that I'm aware of it, I find myself intentionally breathing during the day. It's helped the way I run. That zen and peace that I found so many years ago in Japan, it's slowly making it's way back into my life through yoga. I'm realizing that maybe I should be more proactive about "setting my intention"...maybe it doesn't just have to be about yoga. Maybe I should wake up, breathe a little, and set an intention for my day. After all, I'm really the only one that can control how good (or bad) my day turns out.

So I'm going to try that out. I'm going to wake up in the morning and set the course of my day. As for day one, it's working out pretty all right so far.

Last week, we sold the house. For a massive profit. It didn't really even hit me until this morning, but the amount that I said I needed back in January was almost exactly the amount that I got from the sale.

Intention was set. Intention was sealed. 

On living the good life....

Denver, Colorado has been my home for the last 33 years. I've never really lived anywhere else, at least, not substantially. There was there year I lived in Calgary, Alberta and my heart certainly found a new "home" there for a time. I loved every second of living in Canada and every time I go back to visit, I fall in love a little more. But that was just one year away from home and I lived in a dorm. Then there was the year I lived in northern Minnesota. I'd be quick to argue that was the worst year of my life (until recently...and it still ranks fairly high on my list of horrible, rotten years) despite the fact I met my best friend that year. She makes that year worth remembering. But, again, it was just a year away from home and I lived in a dorm.

On September 2, 2013, I will officially be leaving my home in Denver and setting up shop way out east. Like, REALLY living somewhere else. New grocery stores, new church, new trails, new favorite restaurants, and most importantly (and most terrifyingly), new friends.

So with a mere three months left in my home, there are probably a LOT of things I need to accomplish. I'm trying to make a list and sometimes I get overwhelmed, so I'm going to ask for some help. Here's what I've come up with so far (with some recent additions from friends):

1. Casa Bonita. Sure, the food sucks and the acting is shockingly worse than the food, but is there anything more definitive of Denver?

2. Shopping on 16th Street Mall. Not that I haven't done enough of that already...and I certainly don't need more clothes or shoes...so maybe I'll just go with the suggestion of playing chess with a homeless guy or tickling the out-of-tune ivories.

3. Hammond's Candy Factory. The more pressing issue here is that I haven't EVER been to Hammond's.

4. Film on the Rocks. Again, how have I not done this yet? Fortunately there are about a zillion movies this summer.

5. Red Rocks, in general. I go running there quite often with another of my BFFs (yes, I get to have more than one. I'm just that lucky), but it would be nice to go to one more amazing show there...though if I don't, the last show I'll have seen there is Mumford & Sons. And I'll be okay with that.

6. Stranahan's Whiskey distillery tour. I do loves me some brown booze!

7. Scrumptious Ice Cream. I know it's hard to believe, but I haven't been there but ONE TIME in the last year. That's just ridiculous.

8. Patio dining. Oh my gawd, the patio dining. There's not much more I can say about that. Denver has one of the best restaurant line ups I've ever seen. I'm definitely going to miss the abundance of interesting and delicious food.

But more than anything, I just want to spend time with the people I love. No, I'm not moving to another planet or even another country. I'm a four-hour plane ride from Colorado. But all of the things above (and all the things you'll hopefully suggest to me) are important not just because it's "Colorado"...they're important because of the people, the memories, the moments. I have three girl friends with whom concerts - good concerts - become instantly more intimate and precious because they are there. Three of my gal pals are some of the only women I know who share my affinity for dark liquor. There's the one friend with which patio dining isn't just another meal...it's an event, it's something to celebrate because summer has arrived! I have one friend that loves candy the way that I do and while I've never been to Hammond's (with her or anyone else), I know that she'll be among the first to come with me. Red Rocks...good Lord...is there a way to summarize everything in my soul about Red Rocks? I'm not even going to try. If you've been, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Shopping with my Colorado BFF is adventure and experience in and of itself...who else could talk me into a hot pink leopard print dress and then get me to wear it in public...TWICE?

So there you have it. Those are my things I need to do before I leave. In three months. Twelve weeks. Ninety-four days.

What am I missing?