On choosing to see the good in life....

As women and men, when we're in relationship with our chosen lovers, there come times when we focus on nothing but the bad. We all have faults, that's fact; and it's just so easy to focus on what's wrong with our mates. It's been said that it's much easier on the body to smile than to frown...uses far fewer muscles to smile. So why is it that it's so much easier to bitch about our companions than to praise them?

It seems the overarching complaints about men are the following: lazy, messy, generally inconsiderate. For women: selfish, vain, generally inconsiderate. You see, there is some overlap. I'm not entirely sure what it's like for men, but I know that when women get together, we tend to gravitate toward man-bashing from time to time. Suffice it to say, we can find anything to complain about and men just seem to be easy fodder. We like to laugh about what he did or did not do, we like to complain that he didn't read our minds, this sort of thing.

Well, today, I say, "Enough!" I assure you, men are not the useless, bumbling fools women like to make them out to be.  So the rest of the post may be a little out of character for my typical ones, but hey, it's my blog so I can post what I want.

I could rattle off a list of things about my husband that drive me absolutely bananas (not the least of which is the nightly confounded snoring that I have to suffer through), but it really won't accomplish anything because a) you won't care and b) if it were really that big of a deal, I'd find a way to fix it other than by complaining.

Not only do I find my husband wicked handsome, he's funny as all get out (to the point of reducing me to a series of snorts more often than not) and smart as hell, to boot! He's a brilliant writer (even if he does hate when I edit while I read his books) as is best evidenced by our wedding vows, which he wrote. He's a deeply emotional man for whom tears do not come easily, but are shed when absolutely necessary (I'm sure he'll be a teary disaster when we finally have our fist child, whenever that may be). He can cook like a mad fool! Some of the best food I've ever eaten has not been at fancy restaurants in town, but in the comfort of my own home, something that he created (just for me, usually). Just thinking about his spicy red pepper fettuccine makes my mouth water...nom nom nom! He's hardworking and never does anything half-way. For him, if it's not his best, it's just not good enough. On top of all of this, he's always at the ready if I need him to run an errand or do a chore. He never complains when I ask him to clean the floors or do the laundry on his days off (though they are aplenty, these days). He knows my favorite candies and flowers and gives them to me frequently...and every time, it's a surpise! He's incredibly thoughtful and knows that if I say I want an immersion blender, I really mean I want an immersion blender and will go absolutely batshit when given one for one of the BIG FOUR (Valentines, Birthday, Anniversary, or Christmas). He can take my favorite "things" and bend them into really unique and clever ideas...like the piano wire bracelets he got me once. He also knows that I love to get red roses on Valentines Day, "black" roses (like the ones I carried on our wedding day) for our anniversary, and whatever he wants to get me for my birthday. He likes to spoil me by buying me fancy, expensive body wash that I'd never buy for myself (because "If it makes you feel good, you should get to have it!" he says).

We may not have a lot of money and we may not have the biggest house or fanciest cars, but we have a ton of fun and we laugh on a very regular basis (I'd wager to say, more than just a few times a day)! We have a life and a home together, something that no one can ever take away from us. We have years of hilarious memories and love-filled moments. We never struggle to find something new to talk about or experience together. We learn from each other daily.

Yeah, there are plenty of things about him that make me crazy...but what's the point in focusing on that when there's all this good crap to dwell on instead?

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On learning from life's cliches....

"Be the change you want to see."

It sounds so idyllic, so cliche, so positively obnoxious. I heard that quote on the radio the other day during an ad for a university.

It's true though, isn't it? And in so many ways.

We can all think of ways where this statment applies to either our lives or the world at large. Most often, we think of it in the context of changing our world for the better...treating people with the kindness we desire, volunteering at homeless shelters, teaching (which, frankly, is one of the most noble professions I can think of).

Recently, however, I've been putting that statement into the context of the day-to-day work life. I have a penchant for proper formatting. Correct grammar and punctuation are a bit of an obsession for me. Aesthetically pleasing and industry-accurate documents are the only kinds I want to send to my clients. The problem is that there aren't a lot of standarized documents to be had...so I've created them. Most at the request of my boss several years ago, but many of them I've just done for the sake of consistency across documents. Everything should have the same (or at least a similar) header/footer, right?

Well, I think so. So I went ahead and became the change I wanted to see. And now? My boss actually digs the majority of my documents and things are slowly, but surely, being standarized...something I've been itching for, for a LONG time.

Within "Be the change you want to see" is also the idea of simple initiative. It's a little like the idea of "asking for forgiveness is easier than asking for permission." Now, in no way am I suggesting that we should all go ahead and change companies, lives, and the world without a thought for the consequences (good or bad). What I mean is that, more often than not, people are looking for a solution, not just a complaint. So rather than complaining tirelessly about how so much the formatting is wrong or the grammar is off or the documents aren't attractive enough, my co-worker and I just fixed them and went to our boss with a solution. Something tangible that could actually be taken care of...quickly and easily.

How many times can any of us count that we've complained and complained about something, only to have it remain the same? If we came to our own selves with nothing but complaints and never a solution, the CEO in me would yell at me, "Quit bitching and DO something!"

So here we go,everyone...let's do something!
Is there something in your life that causes you to whine incessantly? How can you be the change?

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On getting that lovin' feeling....

I've been learning a lot about compassion in the last several months. It's a difficult concept, that's for sure. It's very multi-faceted and much more complex than I think I ever really thought it was. The most incomprehensible thing I've come to learn is that understanding compassion also results in a great deal more intolerance than I previously had.

In general, I'm a pretty intolerant person. Now, let me explain a little bit there lest I sound like a wildly heartless bitch. The more I learn about the world and myself, the more intolerant I seem to become with those who aren't the least bit tolerant of another worldview or way of life. I tend to lead a very "live and let live" kind of life, to a certain extent. There are plenty of "ways of life" that I totally disagree with...things like pedophilia and other such disgusting nonsense.

In learning more about compassion, however, I'm understanding that it has a lot to do with being able to look beyond oneself and making an effort to see another's point of view. I recently watched Disney's "Lady and the Tramp" (I'm working my way through the Disney library on Netflix right now) and, prior to owning a dog, the way Lady reacted to Jim-Dear and Darling's new baby meant very little to me. Now, as a puppy-owner, it just broke my heart the way little Lady must have felt and it certainly made me want to ensure that Leo and Suki still know that we love them whenever babies come into play for our family.

Often times, when a very compassionless situation arises, I like to play the internal head-game of "What the F**k Is Wrong With You?" It's a game I usually play while I'm watching the news. Because honestly, some stories can only result in that question. The game gets played in real life sometimes as well. There are just things that happen that I really wonder, "Why would someone do or say that?" Is it just a complete lack of regard for another person? Most times, the answer seems to be "Yes" which is rather unfortunate.

Compassion certainly isn't something that every human is born with. It's not like the ability to breathe or speak. It's something that has to be learned; it's something that needs to be taught. A person has to be willing to undergo the process of learning how to think beyond their own world and life. Not everyone is willing to do that, however. Which begs the question: Is a dis-compassionate person deserving of compassion themselves? My gut reaction is a resounding "NO!" I'm a firm believer in the golden rule and if someone is going to treat me with disrespect and disregard, well, back at ya! But that's a pretty ugly cycle to get myself into.

And isn't my own character worth far more, in the end, than trying to see to it that another person feel the lack of compassion they display?

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On predicting the future....

"Anyone can imagine a car or an interstate highway system. It takes a science fiction writer to come up with a traffic jam."

So said one of the panelists, Connie Willis, during a discussion last weekend at COSine in Colorado Springs on the relevancy of Robert Heinlein.

I feel like I might need to justify my weekend actions momentarily. I never, not in my wildest dreams, thought I'd be an attender of a Sci-Fi/Fantasy convention, let alone an ANNUAL attender. What I know about both of those genres is limited to Star Wars and Lord of the Rings...and that's a feeble attempt at understanding, at best. But my husband is nuts about fantasy novels and can appreciate sci-fi stories so we started going to this tiny "con" a few years ago and we've started to really enjoy ourselves. The whole weekend is full of discussion panels which meant little to nothing to me at first. Now I can appreciate them for the underlying information they represent. I digress.

I wound up at the Heinlein discussion at the behest of my husband who, incidentally, wound up playing with our dogs during the discussion, thereby missing most of it. Heinlein is sort of the father of science fiction. I don't know anything about his work, but I do know that he played an important role in science fiction as we know it today. In fact, it's been said that he influenced an entire generation to pursue the study of space travel and technology. Where would Niel Armstrong and Steve Jobs be without Mr. Heinlein?

Connie Willis brought up what I think was the most important issue of the entire discussion: Predicting technology isn't necessarily hard or amazing; it's trying to predict the effects that technology will have on social mores that gets really tricky.

Think about it. Without cars, there would be no backseat sex, right? Before cell phones and email, people actually walked to each other's homes, sat down over coffee or wine, and had long conversations because it might be a while before they saw each other again. Microwave ovens and TV dinners have all but negated the necessity of someone actually making a legitimate meal from real, non-preserved food. Credit cards have resulted in the notion that we can have whatever we want right now and worry about it later.

None of these things were ever "problems" 50, 60, 100 years ago. It just wasn't heard of. Yet Heinlein and many other like him could pretty accurately extrapolate on what a credit care, cell phone, or microwave looked like and how they worked. I mean, he was pretty dead on when it came to these technological advancements. But never once in his novels (and I'm guessing here, simply going on what I learned over the COSine weekend) did the idea come up of cheating on your spouse or nuclear families being broken or rushing through meals to watch a television program. There's really no way to accurately predict any of that.

So it makes me wonder: how will the iPad ultimately affect our society? What will happen if space travel becomes something us civilians can do on the regular? Will flying cars and hoverboards change our society in the dramatic ways that the automobile did? And with all the technology we do have, is it possible to even TRY to predict the societal implications of future technologies? Or should we just leave it to the sci-fi writers like we always have?

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On choosing your next battle....

Lacking direction or focus is one of the most frustrating places to get stuck. Often times, though, we wind up there of our own volition. We do it to ourselves. Not all the time, but most of the time, it would seem. There is always something to do or somewhere to go or someone to be. It's just that we get caught up in where we are right now and forget about all the dreams we had for ourselves...and tragically, we can come to that realization far too late in life.

Recently, I wrote a post asking the ever-fearful, "Now what?" after graduation. I had a friend (who is wildly smart and insightful) tell me to keep learning, to keep growing because if I didn't I'd get in a complacent rut very very quickly. A mere four weeks after graduation, I'm already starting to feel the effects of complacency and general lack of direction. That's the thing about goals. It's what's really so important about having goals, to be honest. It gives you somewhere to go, something to achieve. So once a goal is reached, there's another one that needs to be put into place.

Todd and I had certain goals in mind that had to be met before we would consider having children. We wanted a house with a yard, we needed me to be done with school, and we want to take one last blow-out vacation before we take the next 18-25 years to raise decent human beings. The house and school goals have been realized and by June we'll have taken that last vacation. I'll clarify here, lest Todd's head explode, that we will still travel with and without tiny humans, but the extravagance and frequency will certainly be slowed.

Having kids is a goal we've made as a couple and while it's an important and life-changing goal, I think it's equally as important to have personal goals out there. Todd's personal goals typically center around his budding writing career. He's had one book published, another is being looked at, another is in the pitch process, and yet another is currently a work-in-progress...all this while he get his ass handed to him by a 45+ hour/week day job. He sets a goal and goes for it with a great deal of personal gusto, if I do say so myself.

The personal goal is my struggle "for the nonce." Spending so long working toward something has kind of stalled whatever current goals I might have. Yes, I'd like to lose 10lbs and run a marathon, but fitness goals are a different type of goals entirely. What are my personal goals? What should I set my sights on? Publication? General recognition in my "field" of writing? Should I try to write the book Todd keeps pressing me on? Should I aim for that high-paying career which I devote my entire life and all my energies to?

Indifference and complacency is certainly not a goal to be achieved or desired, yet both seem to come all too easily and, sadly, naturally for most of us. So what are your current goals? How do you go about setting a new goal or narrowing down your list of goals?

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On doing what comes naturally....

I have a good friend that runs a really fantastic blog about her adventures in home ownership. She and her husband are wildly talented at building and decorating so seeing their home and it's progress is simultaneously motivating and jealousy-inducing (in only the best ways). More often than not, she does something to her house and I respond with, "That's what I wanted to do, but didn't know how!" which makes me laugh. I find it entertaining that I can have these ideas in my head, but can never get them out into reality. My favorite thing she's done so far (of the umpteen things they've done to their house in the 12 months they've owned it) is the giant mirror over the fireplace. I've always wanted to do that, but couldn't ever figure out if it would look right. Turns out, it's beautiful! So, if she doesn't mind, I might end up "stealing" that idea.

None of that is really what this is about.

What I find so wonderful about her blog is that she's found a way to pour her expertise into something she truly loves and enjoys. I get the feeling that she likes her job (which is interior design, but on a much larger scale than homes), but she thrives, really comes alive, when she's working on her home. We should all be so lucky to have that combination: skill and passion (and get paid for it, to boot!). So often, it seems like what we're passionate about isn't always what we're skilled at...and vice versa. I'm good at customer service and paperwork, but I get exhausted by it quickly. I love decorating and making things pretty, but I kind of suck at it. I do, however, love food and am VERY good at eating it. Too bad I can't get a job doing that! I digress.

I think this might be the time in my life when I find a hobby that I'm either good at or can become good at. I want to start with making my house a home. We've lived there for about eight months and in that time, I've just been too busy with other (somewhat more important) things to really make that place "homey." I'm ready for it to feel like we really live and belong there.

Whatever I end up doing with this free time I now have, I had better enjoy it. Because what's the point of doing something if you don't enjoy it? Hmm...this statement suddenly rings true on so many levels.

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On figuring out who you are....

I feel like most of us spend a substantial portion of our lives trying to define ourselves. What is it that makes us who we are? What is that one "thing" that we do or are that tells the world (or, at the very least, our friends and family) what makes us tick? For some, that "thing" is a job or career. For others, it's a hobby. Maybe it's an emotion. Maybe it's "wife" or "husband" or "parent." Whatever it is, however we choose to define ourselves, it takes work. We become fully invested in cultivating, sometimes even perfecting, the definition we've chosen for ourselves. It becomes a job, in and of itself.

So what happens when that definitive "thing" suddenly changes or stops altogether?

For the last several years of my life, I've defined myself primary as "student." I've done and been other things at the same time, but "student" has always been the big one. Almost my whole world was consumed with the idea of being a student and everything that goes along with it. My studies were the first and last thing I thought about every day. I spent nearly all my lunch hours doing homework and most of my evenings were absorbed by the same things...reading, writing, testing, etc. If someone asked me "what I did," the response was almost always, "Well, I'm a full-time student and...". Everything else beyond my studies was basically secondary. Everything else took a backseat to me being a student. Being a student was everything to me. I didn't want to just do well in my classes. I wanted to kill 'em. I wanted a 4.0 so badly I could taste it (Biology and Latin really screwed me in that department, but whatever...Cs get degrees!). I spent eleven years in some college or university, applying myself to whatever classes I was in at the time.

Then it finally started to kick in and I saw a tiny light at the end of this massive tunnel I'd dug for myself. I was actually going to graduate by the time I was 30. I'd spent so much time screwing around with my life and education that I honestly never thought I'd finish a degree. It took forever to finally figure out what I wanted to do with my education (which, in and of itself, is hilarious because I ended up coming back to the one thing I've always loved). I started over no less than four times so I just resigned myself to being a life-time student. That's just how it was going to be. And then I came to the final semester of my senior year and it hit me that I'd completed this previously-unattainable goal I'd set for myself. I powered through all my classes and kicked their asses. I finished strong and well.

And then...

It was just...over.

Eleven years of defining myself as a student and it's all just gone. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't go back to it. It was hard and I took a path that is 100% unrecommendable, I assure you. I think that I'm just a bit confused on how I'm defined now. What do I call myself? What do I throw myself into now that the ONE THING that consumed me for so long is just gone?

Now before anyone gets all up in arms about this, don't worry. Being defined as "Todd's wife" is by and large one of the most enjoyable things to be called. And one day, I'll look forward to being defined as "mommy."

I just don't know what to do with all this free time. I had a very strict schedule that I stuck to for years so not having that structure now is very foreign to me. I don't want to just be a bump on a log and watch TV all night, every night. I like to read and I started going to the gym again. I'm quite enjoying that. I've considered going back to mentoring junior high and high school girls, but I'm not sure I'm in a place to do that again. I really really really want to have my Martha Stewart house that I've always dreamed of, so I'm very much considering pouring myself into that venture. I have a list a mile long of things I want to do to the house and I'm willing to put in the time to make it all happen. I just need the money, too...and I tend to be impatient when I get my head set to something.

The point here is that, more often than not, when one things ends, something else is usually right around the corner. For me, that hasn't been the case. My one big thing just ended. So I struggle with my definition now.

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