On the validity of life....

"It's not like I subsist on external validation; but it is nice to get it from time to time." - me

For a long time, I think I did subsist on external validation. It was like I had to hear from someone else that I was good enough or smart enough in order to really believe it for myself. It took a good long while (and some counseling) to finally start believing that I was good enough simply because I thought I was good enough.

Still though...it's nice to hear it every now and again. I think if we're all honest with ourselves, we all like to heard how good or smart we are at something, especially the things that are important to us. It's part of being human, I suppose. The feeling of knowing we're valued holds a lot of weight with us. We're emotional beings; some of us wear emotions openly (I'm that person most of the time) and some of us can hide them, but at the end of the day, we all feel the emotions brought on by life.

Our day jobs are probably one of the biggest places we need to feel validated and worth it. We pursue more education and designations for our own well-being, sure, but we also pursue it in an effort to be noticed by the people that matter (read: the people that can increase our paycheck and our titles). We spend the majority of our time at our day jobs, so it becomes part of who we are. And knowing that we're contributing to the overall growth of our company or business is something that a lot of us want to be a part of. Sometimes, that external validation falls flat...we simply aren't recognized or rewarded. And that SUCKS. It just does.

The problem is when that lack of validation starts to permeate the rest of our life. We are more than our work. Despite how hard a lot of us work at our jobs, we are more than just designers and programmers and paper pushers and analysts. I've noticed, for myself, that a lack of validation in one area of my life can start to drastically affect the rest of my life. If I'm not a good "x", then I must not be a good "y" or "z." I mean, it's not true, but the feelings happen. It's in those moments that a) I am glad I have friends who will validate me and b) it's time to take stock of things I am good at and that I love to do. I'm good at baking (I'm REAL good at baking); I throw a mean party; I'm organized (almost to a disturbing degree). I am a sum of very many parts; just because one part doesn't always feel right doesn't mean the rest aren't exactly as they should be.

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On remembering the good times....

I feel like I've been doing a great deal of reminiscing lately. Sometimes, I really just like to think about the past and all the good things that happened there. Sure, there are plenty of parts about my history that I'd be happy to forget, but in the midst of all that crap, there are a lot of bright, happy, shiny moments. Those are the ones that I like to think about from time to time.

Do you ever have moments that you'd like to go back to? Portions of life that you'd really love to re-visit? I do. One that comes up for me is singing with my college choir in Minnesota at Christmas time. I assure you, that was one of the hardest years I'll probably ever experience, but being with that choir was something that I relish. There were times that I absolutely HATED singing some of the things we did, but if you know me, Christmas time is something I kind of live for. And singing Christmas-y songs is something I'll never tire of. I can remember pretty distinctly some of the feelings I had doing those songs and being with those people. A lot of happiness surrounds those few weeks and I loved it! That was also the time when there was something seriously wrong with one of my ears and, being that I was a broke college kid still being supported by my parents, I had no way of seeing a doctor in the dinky MN town I was living in. I realized during all of that, there was nothing that could keep me from singing. I tried to see the good in it. It was like one my ears was constantly plugged up so it was almost like I had a permanent monitor. It was annoying as all get-out, but I couldn't seem to do anything about it so whatever. Fortunately, my mom was (and still is) a champion at scheduling all our doctor and dentist visits when one of us would come home from school at breaks so she forked over the cash and I got my ears figured out. Phew!

Christmas time that year was pretty happy-go-lucky for me, like most Christmases tend to be. I miss a lot of those people and am only vaguely connected to a few of them anymore, but man...those were some good times. I got to be girly and weird along with some of the girliest and weirdest girls I'll probably ever meet. There's nothing quite like living in a dorm with great people. So many of the girls I sang with I also lived with and I knew, without a doubt, that they had my back that year (despite some of the less-than-awesome things I got in trouble over).  We laughed and cried and celebrated over a lot of things...those were (and are) amazing girls.


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On making changes....

I have lost a lot of motivation for writing lately. I used to want to write all the time; now, while I still want to write, I feel like I have nothing to say and no energy to think of anything. The wedding blog is something I want to pursue with a LOT more gusto than I have been and I've been trying to think of topics to write on for that.

But for this, my more personal musings, there's just not a whole lot I can think of. It might have something to do with just a lot of other things going on in my life right now. Nothing exciting, unless you count "installing a 9x35 patio" as exciting. It will be once we're done, but holy crap...it's quite the exhausting undertaking! Just digging up the turf was something I wouldn't wish on anyone! We now have a giant hole in our backyard and are waiting for the rest of the materials to be delivered...everything should be done by the end of this coming weekend. Hallelujah!

Speaking of that, because of vacations and the patio, I'm on a brief hiatus from church. I feel like, even with some of the cursing that inevitably comes from both traveling and home improvements, I'm doing my own bit of "worship" just by being outside and enjoying all that summer has to offer. I don't think Colorado had an official Spring this year and I'm quite okay with that. I've been itching for 85* and patio dining for MONTHS so having sweltering heat over the weekend (not to mention our first trip to the farmer's market) was a long time coming for me. I'm going to make a point of being outside and slowing down just as much as I possibly can this summer. I want to enjoy the weather and the time for as long as I can. I hear that the older we get, the faster time screams by. Well, the first 6 months of 2011 certainly have proved that adage to be true, but for at least the next 3 months, I need to slow down, baby (as Ms. Aguilera puts it).

I've been itching for some change lately and the patio is helping out. Plus, we re-arranged the house again and I really like what we did. But as for personal change, I'm hacking off my hair tonight and coloring it next week. And I've been craving a new tattoo for a long time. I was going to get one for graduation and I forgot; I was going to get one for my birthday and I forgot. So maybe I'll get one this summer...and try not to forget (again). Fortunately, the design is already done so it's just a matter of actually DOING it...and finding an artist that's worth a crap. My original tattoo is such a testament to how young and uneducated I was about tattoos. 21 is just not a great age to make major life choices, if you ask me.

So with all of that said, welcome to summer! Let the good times roll!

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On unclogging the pipes....

I was talking to Todd the other day about how I have little motivation to do much of anything right now. There's nothing I really want to write about, cooking is very blah to me for the moment, and there are so many things I want to do around the house I can hardly stand it.

Todd asked if I'd been writing in my journal recently. "No." I said. "I just haven't had the motivation." He said that I should probably start trying to write things down because it sounds like I have mental blockage happening. Then he made a really gross comparison to plumbing. It's probably true though; I think I just have so many things going on in my head that I need to start writing them all down before I go completely mad.

The house is the big thing I'm spending my time thinking about lately. I have a list a mile long of things I want to do:

• Install a patio and possibly a pergola
• Plant peonies in the front yard
• Plant herbs, roses, and other flowers in the backyard
• Fix the door to the shed
• Install an actual storm door on the back door
• Hang shelving in the laundry closet and master closet
• Re-shelf one of the pantries
• Update curtains in dining and living rooms
• Hang a chandelier in the dining room
• Wire a dimmer to the opposite side of the dining room
• Get a rug for the dining room
• Take down some of the decor in the dining room and replace with stuff I love
• Install a programmable thermostat
• Get some art in the living room

Unfortunately, a good portion of that can't really be done until I figure out what to do with my dining and living rooms. Do I switch them? It's awkward having the dining room in the front of the house, but is it even more weird to have the dining room in the back of the house, on the carpet, next to the master bedroom? I honestly have no idea...and I won't have any clue until I actually move everything around which may cause me to go even more mad (and my husband to actually get mad at me!). I feel like my house is going to be in a constant state of "incomplete." Maybe that's half the fun of home ownership. You can do anything you want whenever you want and it's basically no worries. At least, that's what I like to think.

I'd like to really get going on a lot of these things, just to try and empty my brain out from all of the clutter. My head definitely hurts from all that's going on inside of it lately. I think part of it is that I have a "NOW NOW NOW" mentality about a lot of things. I get an idea in my head and I want it to come to fruition immediately. Sadly, that's just not the way life plays out most of the time. There's very little that I can actually do IMMEDIATELY (at least, not without some consequences) and waiting for things tends to drive my nuts. I can be a very patient person most of the time, but when I get ideas into my head, ideas that I think are really great ideas, it's hard to just idle on them.

So here's the beginning of my mission to write things down so that I don't go completely bonkers in the process. And if anyone out there has any helpful tips or hints, I'm definitely open to just about anything right now, especially when it comes to fixing up the house! It's nice that I have so much free time now to do all the things I want to do...it's becoming a matter of nailing down exactly what it is I'd like to do. Oof.

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On choosing to see the good in life....

As women and men, when we're in relationship with our chosen lovers, there come times when we focus on nothing but the bad. We all have faults, that's fact; and it's just so easy to focus on what's wrong with our mates. It's been said that it's much easier on the body to smile than to frown...uses far fewer muscles to smile. So why is it that it's so much easier to bitch about our companions than to praise them?

It seems the overarching complaints about men are the following: lazy, messy, generally inconsiderate. For women: selfish, vain, generally inconsiderate. You see, there is some overlap. I'm not entirely sure what it's like for men, but I know that when women get together, we tend to gravitate toward man-bashing from time to time. Suffice it to say, we can find anything to complain about and men just seem to be easy fodder. We like to laugh about what he did or did not do, we like to complain that he didn't read our minds, this sort of thing.

Well, today, I say, "Enough!" I assure you, men are not the useless, bumbling fools women like to make them out to be.  So the rest of the post may be a little out of character for my typical ones, but hey, it's my blog so I can post what I want.

I could rattle off a list of things about my husband that drive me absolutely bananas (not the least of which is the nightly confounded snoring that I have to suffer through), but it really won't accomplish anything because a) you won't care and b) if it were really that big of a deal, I'd find a way to fix it other than by complaining.

Not only do I find my husband wicked handsome, he's funny as all get out (to the point of reducing me to a series of snorts more often than not) and smart as hell, to boot! He's a brilliant writer (even if he does hate when I edit while I read his books) as is best evidenced by our wedding vows, which he wrote. He's a deeply emotional man for whom tears do not come easily, but are shed when absolutely necessary (I'm sure he'll be a teary disaster when we finally have our fist child, whenever that may be). He can cook like a mad fool! Some of the best food I've ever eaten has not been at fancy restaurants in town, but in the comfort of my own home, something that he created (just for me, usually). Just thinking about his spicy red pepper fettuccine makes my mouth water...nom nom nom! He's hardworking and never does anything half-way. For him, if it's not his best, it's just not good enough. On top of all of this, he's always at the ready if I need him to run an errand or do a chore. He never complains when I ask him to clean the floors or do the laundry on his days off (though they are aplenty, these days). He knows my favorite candies and flowers and gives them to me frequently...and every time, it's a surpise! He's incredibly thoughtful and knows that if I say I want an immersion blender, I really mean I want an immersion blender and will go absolutely batshit when given one for one of the BIG FOUR (Valentines, Birthday, Anniversary, or Christmas). He can take my favorite "things" and bend them into really unique and clever ideas...like the piano wire bracelets he got me once. He also knows that I love to get red roses on Valentines Day, "black" roses (like the ones I carried on our wedding day) for our anniversary, and whatever he wants to get me for my birthday. He likes to spoil me by buying me fancy, expensive body wash that I'd never buy for myself (because "If it makes you feel good, you should get to have it!" he says).

We may not have a lot of money and we may not have the biggest house or fanciest cars, but we have a ton of fun and we laugh on a very regular basis (I'd wager to say, more than just a few times a day)! We have a life and a home together, something that no one can ever take away from us. We have years of hilarious memories and love-filled moments. We never struggle to find something new to talk about or experience together. We learn from each other daily.

Yeah, there are plenty of things about him that make me crazy...but what's the point in focusing on that when there's all this good crap to dwell on instead?

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On learning from life's cliches....

"Be the change you want to see."

It sounds so idyllic, so cliche, so positively obnoxious. I heard that quote on the radio the other day during an ad for a university.

It's true though, isn't it? And in so many ways.

We can all think of ways where this statment applies to either our lives or the world at large. Most often, we think of it in the context of changing our world for the better...treating people with the kindness we desire, volunteering at homeless shelters, teaching (which, frankly, is one of the most noble professions I can think of).

Recently, however, I've been putting that statement into the context of the day-to-day work life. I have a penchant for proper formatting. Correct grammar and punctuation are a bit of an obsession for me. Aesthetically pleasing and industry-accurate documents are the only kinds I want to send to my clients. The problem is that there aren't a lot of standarized documents to be had...so I've created them. Most at the request of my boss several years ago, but many of them I've just done for the sake of consistency across documents. Everything should have the same (or at least a similar) header/footer, right?

Well, I think so. So I went ahead and became the change I wanted to see. And now? My boss actually digs the majority of my documents and things are slowly, but surely, being standarized...something I've been itching for, for a LONG time.

Within "Be the change you want to see" is also the idea of simple initiative. It's a little like the idea of "asking for forgiveness is easier than asking for permission." Now, in no way am I suggesting that we should all go ahead and change companies, lives, and the world without a thought for the consequences (good or bad). What I mean is that, more often than not, people are looking for a solution, not just a complaint. So rather than complaining tirelessly about how so much the formatting is wrong or the grammar is off or the documents aren't attractive enough, my co-worker and I just fixed them and went to our boss with a solution. Something tangible that could actually be taken care of...quickly and easily.

How many times can any of us count that we've complained and complained about something, only to have it remain the same? If we came to our own selves with nothing but complaints and never a solution, the CEO in me would yell at me, "Quit bitching and DO something!"

So here we go,everyone...let's do something!
Is there something in your life that causes you to whine incessantly? How can you be the change?

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On getting that lovin' feeling....

I've been learning a lot about compassion in the last several months. It's a difficult concept, that's for sure. It's very multi-faceted and much more complex than I think I ever really thought it was. The most incomprehensible thing I've come to learn is that understanding compassion also results in a great deal more intolerance than I previously had.

In general, I'm a pretty intolerant person. Now, let me explain a little bit there lest I sound like a wildly heartless bitch. The more I learn about the world and myself, the more intolerant I seem to become with those who aren't the least bit tolerant of another worldview or way of life. I tend to lead a very "live and let live" kind of life, to a certain extent. There are plenty of "ways of life" that I totally disagree with...things like pedophilia and other such disgusting nonsense.

In learning more about compassion, however, I'm understanding that it has a lot to do with being able to look beyond oneself and making an effort to see another's point of view. I recently watched Disney's "Lady and the Tramp" (I'm working my way through the Disney library on Netflix right now) and, prior to owning a dog, the way Lady reacted to Jim-Dear and Darling's new baby meant very little to me. Now, as a puppy-owner, it just broke my heart the way little Lady must have felt and it certainly made me want to ensure that Leo and Suki still know that we love them whenever babies come into play for our family.

Often times, when a very compassionless situation arises, I like to play the internal head-game of "What the F**k Is Wrong With You?" It's a game I usually play while I'm watching the news. Because honestly, some stories can only result in that question. The game gets played in real life sometimes as well. There are just things that happen that I really wonder, "Why would someone do or say that?" Is it just a complete lack of regard for another person? Most times, the answer seems to be "Yes" which is rather unfortunate.

Compassion certainly isn't something that every human is born with. It's not like the ability to breathe or speak. It's something that has to be learned; it's something that needs to be taught. A person has to be willing to undergo the process of learning how to think beyond their own world and life. Not everyone is willing to do that, however. Which begs the question: Is a dis-compassionate person deserving of compassion themselves? My gut reaction is a resounding "NO!" I'm a firm believer in the golden rule and if someone is going to treat me with disrespect and disregard, well, back at ya! But that's a pretty ugly cycle to get myself into.

And isn't my own character worth far more, in the end, than trying to see to it that another person feel the lack of compassion they display?

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