On changing your positions....

con·serv·a·tive
–adjective
1. disposed to preserve existing conditions, institutions, etc., or to restore traditional ones, and to limit change.
2. cautiously moderate or purposefully low: a conservative estimate.
3. traditional in style or manner; avoiding novelty or showiness: conservative suit.

lib·er·al
–adjective
1. favorable to progress or reform, as in political or religious affairs.
2. (often initial capital letter) noting or pertaining to a political party advocating measures of progressive political reform.
3. of, pertaining to, based on, or advocating liberalism.
4. favorable to or in accord with concepts of maximum individual freedom possible, esp. as guaranteed by law and secured by governmental protection of civil liberties.
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I blame this post entirely on my grade 9 math teacher, in a good way of course.

I mentioned the other day that I think it's funny how conservative I was in high school and how seemingly liberal I am now. In response to that, a friend asked me how and why I felt that way. I said that I find myself being far more open-minded to a variance of issues and options than I ever would have been in high school. Some people had similar reactions as I did to their lives, but my algebra teacher set off a fire-storm in my head.

"Being conservative doesn't mean being closed-minded," she said.
My brother said something similar (though I'm of the opinion he just likes to start arguments with me lately).

I agree with my former teacher (who, it should be mentioned, is wicked-smaht and I respect her thoughts and opinions a lot), but only to a certain degree. I say that because, for me, as a 16-year-old who had yet to start really thinking for herself, I was incredibly closed-minded. I never would have entertained some of the ideas that I do as an adult. I was the very idea of all the definitions shown above. I held to rigidly conservative standards, I was a traditionalist, I dressed very conservatively, but most of all, I completely shut my mind to the possibility of something else being "right" or "okay".

I was first really introduced to the idea of thinking for myself when I lived in Canada. This was how the concept was presented to me: Don't just know WHAT you believe. Know also WHY you believe it.

Ever since then, I have tried to make a consistent effort at really understanding why I believe something. I want to understand the issue, the proposed changes/reforms, and the potential outcomes of all possible options. It should be noted that I am not speaking specifically or only about political issues. Believe you me, there are plenty of those sorts of issues where I fall on every imaginable side of any fence out there.

Examples? Sure.
16-year-old me and 29-year-old me have starkly different views on abortion.
16-year-old me and 29-year-old me would fight all the time about equal rights.
16-year-old me and 29-year-old me are on way different sides of the political aisle.

But whatever, right? We're allowed to change. In fact, we all SHOULD change. I cannot imagine going through life maintaining a 16-year-old mindset. I'd be hyper-emotional, anorexic, and über-judgmental, none of which are really very appropriate responses to the myriad of issues life throws at us.

So do I think that being conservative means being closed-minded? Yes and no. I think there are conservative people out there who are incredibly closed to any change or progression. I also think there are liberal people who are "live and let live" to the point of near-anarchy. I, myself, live a rather dichotomous life really...social duality in all its glory.

I'm fiscally conservative (just ask my husband), but love to buy extravagant things.
I like traditional gender roles, but I'm the financial manager of our house and my husband does far more cooking and cleaning than I do.
I have a pretty "June Cleaver" wardrobe, but there's nothing stopping me from dressing like Britney Spears to go to her concert.
I am firm in my faith, but am willing to concede that I could be wrong.

For me, yes, being conservative was synonymous with being closed-minded. My parents are wildly conservative, but they also have 30+years of thinking for themselves under their belts so we can (usually) engage in very open dialogue about plenty of issues. They respect that I have thought carefully about my positions and I respect that the fundamentals they instilled in me have allowed for our continued conversations.

I wonder though...is it possibly to be a Conservative Socialist? If so, then that's probably what I am.

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On reconciling faith with life.....

Probably most of you that read my posts have figured out by now that I am "religious." I hate that word. It has some hugely negative connotations. I also hate saying that I'm "spiritual" because, for me, it goes beyond that (though I have many many friends who consider themselves as such and I respect them for it). More and more, I find myself leaning toward saying that I am "a person of faith."

So here are some of the basics:
I grew up in a Christian home.
I love going to church and am pretty involved with my own.
I consider myself to be a Christian.

It's just that that word, in particular, also has such ugly connotations to some people. Ghandi once said that if Christians really acted the way they claim they're supposed to, not a person in the world wouldn't want to be a part of that. Sadly, that is so obviously NOT the case. The problem, I think, is that so many of us claim to live one way (love God, love each other), but we tend to be really judgmental about the rest of the world. It's difficult to reconcile the faith I grew up in with the faith I'm finding myself in.

I find myself living by the "holy" Golden Rule much of the time: Judge not, lest ye be judged.

As a greater portion of the country knows by now, Jennifer Knapp has come out...both as a lesbian and as a continued "person of faith." I have been stunned and, well, not stunned by the reaction, especially by the religious community. As soon as I read the article in The Advocate, I had two very distinct reactions: one of pride that someone of her popularity and influence could be so brave and one fearing the backlash from the community that embraced her for so long. Would they still? Would she care if they didn't? But most importantly, for me, What is my response?

I think I have several responses, honestly.
1. I don't really care about her sexuality. She's one of the most talented musicians I've ever heard and that's what I'm really interested in.
2. It's none of my business. Jennifer chose to come out; no one made her. It was something she felt she needed to do to be honest with herself.
3. From where my faith rests, I refuse to judge her. Period. I am (mercifully) not omnipotent, I didn't create the universe, and I certainly wouldn't want to responsibility of determining who is "good" or "right" and who is not.

Jennifer remains, in my eyes, one of the most profoundly influential musical influences in my life. I was talking with my husband about this very topic the other day and Jennifer's lyrics came to my mind. Her music has been (and I hope will continue to be) deeply personal. I believe that, because she puts so much of who she is into her music, it transcends boundaries that a lot of other "Christian" music simply cannot and does not.

I often struggle with contemporary "worship music" because the lyrics just sound so manufactured and repetitive. They don't feel personal. I can't resonate with them. I have a friend whom I used to lead worship with at my church... a brilliant musician and lyricist. His music affects me. It gets me at the core. So it would be easy to say, "Well, his music affects you because you know him." True. But I don't know Jennifer Knapp on a personal level. I've met her once, shared brief commentary with her on our educational pursuits, took a photo, and went home. I certainly do not know her, and yet her music continues to resonate with me.

Jennifer's music is like that perfect poem that, every time I come back to it, months - even years - later, says something different each time. She's the lyricist that people could say, "That's what I wanted to say, but had no idea how."

So now, with all the hullabaloo surrounding her, should we completely write off Jennifer and her music?
I should hope not.

Watching Larry King Live the other day when she was being interviewed, I was appalled by some of the things that were said about and to her (mostly by Pastor Bob Botsford). And here's where my opinion is going to come screaming in to this issue without apology.

I am shocked that someone who would profess to be a studied man of the Bible would come at her with the vengeance that he did. Barking religious rhetoric, interrupting Jennifer, and generally sounding hypocritical. Ironically, one of the most logical statements of the interview came from Larry King himself to Botsford: "Her 'sin' may be different than yours, but it's just different."

Hmm. Let's think on that shall we?

Botsford claimed time and time again that "sin is sin" which, if you grew up in a religious home, you know what that statement means. Yet mere seconds after making such a statement, he would back-peddle so that he could sound as if homosexuality was somehow "worse" than all the other sins. Sorry, sir. You cannot have it both ways.

I know that there are already people who are asking, "How can a person be both a homosexual and a Christian?" For me, the answer is more simple than it probably should be. I think those two things, sexuality and religion, are as mutually exclusive as politics and religion. Maybe I live in a much for idealistic world than a lot of people, but I'm definitely of the opinion that there are certain things that don't have to be in constant competition. Jennifer raised a good question (which was never fully answered) to Botsford during the interview: What if a young girl in your congregation was struggling with identifying her sexuality? Would you really want her to choose between that and her faith?

My question, to follow that one up, would be: What would you do if she chose her sexuality? Would you condemn her? Would you alienate her from the religious life she's known forever? And then, frankly, what do you think Jesus would do?

I have to believe that Jesus would welcome her. I cannot, in good conscience or faith, sit back and think that Jesus - the man that preached nothing more than love itself - would turn his back on a girl who is trying to come to grips with her faith and her sexuality. At what point are we going to stop seeing homosexuality as such a stigma? At what point can we just accept a person for the simple fact that he or she is a person?

Can you honestly imagine a world where someone who didn't like pepperoni on her pizza could be ostracized in a similar manner? That a person who suddenly outted themselves as a "person who doesn't like the color blue" should suddenly be written off even if his writings or music were some of the most profound topics to ever be broached? Let's not forget that Jesus himself was punished and ultimately killed for simply living a lifestyle that was markedly different from that of the time.

So what do you think? I am actually asking for legitimate responses here.

I'm sure that, from my friends who are also religious/spiritual/etc., there will be eyebrows raised and questions asked about this post. I welcome comments and discussion (graced with civility, of course), and I hope that those of you that don't have religious leanings will offer your comments as well. What I really hope for all of this is that we can all take a step backward and really consider what we think and feel before rushing to any harsh conclusions. I hope that whatever conclusions we all come to are well-thought and founded in reason and not just what we've always believed or been told. I hope that grace and dignity can overwhelm other, less rational reactions.




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On following your dreams.....

This past Sunday, I got to see something truly amazing.
I watched someone's dream come true. Quite literally. Well, it had come true a few months ago, but this was the first time I actually got to see it.

Ten years ago, I met my best friend at a small college in northern Minnesota. During what would be one of the hardest years of my life, Amy became a source of constant companionship, someone that I could whine with and bitch at and cry on and, most importantly, laugh with and share life with. It was during this year that I was introduced to another phenomenal woman, Jennifer Knapp. Amy expanded my musical horizons exponentially that year. She introduced me to the likes of Jennifer Knapp, Sixpence None the Richer, and Plumb (among several others, including Limp Bizkit, but that served a very specific purpose).

I have long said that Jennifer Knapp's first album, Kansas, is the only album I own during which I do not skip a single track. That's a hard feat because I am particularly choosy with my music...there are very specific things I look for, but I probably couldn't put a name on those items. Regardless, Kansas remains in the top 5 of my favorite albums of all time.

Anyway, Amy and I spent the greater part of our year in Minnesota singing along with Jennifer at the top of our lungs, trying to pick out new harmonies (which, frankly, Amy and I kind of rule at...she's an alto, I'm a soprano...it worked out well almost every time). That was the year that Amy also decided to really start honing her musical skills...she taught herself to play the guitar and the piano and tried (with wild success) writing her own music and lyrics.

Three years later, Nashville had a new resident in the form of my best friend. There were tears and struggles and anger and general angst as Amy tried to gain a foothold in the music industry all the while trying to figure out who she was in a new and very different city. I was there for the first show and had the pleasure of hearing some of the first recordings (to this day, the "ruff stuff" - as they are labeled in my iTunes - remain my favorite cuts). I got the out-of-control phone calls when she met "famous people" for the first time and when she would switch producers or fight with labels or re-design web sites.

The first tour Amy embarked on was a big effing deal. She toured around the country with another lovely lady called Katy Kinard (they stayed at my house when they passed through Denver and I managed to lock us out...whoops!). Amy's EP sales were above and beyond what she's expected and she also enjoyed the priviledge of using her "stage" to bring information to anyone who would listen about the plight of the Ugandan women, something she has grown increasingly passionate about. She now partners with an organization, Mocha Club, which collects donations (monetary and otherwise) to aid the Ugandan people. Several months ago, Amy had the opportunity to join other musicians in a mission trip to Uganda which, among many other things, inspired a whole heap of new emotions and lyrics.

My best friend is, without question, the most passionate, daring, competitive, and driven person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. When she wants something, she goes for it, no questions, no hesitations. She dreams much bigger than most people allow themselves.

Not so many months ago, I got the following text message from Amy: JENNIFER KNAPP IS AT MY SHOW!!!!!!!
A few days later, there was a follow up: I'M DOING BGVs FOR JENNIFER KNAPP!!!!!!!!!
Then, the most unbelievable text message I could have imagined: I'M GOING ON TOUR WITH JENNIFER KNAPP!!!!!!!!!

Amy dreams big. She had, at one point, told her husband, "Wouldn't it be rad if Jennifer Knapp came back? Wouldn't it be even more rad if she went on tour and I got to open for her? What if Derek Webb did another album and we all toured together?"

Last Sunday at the Bluebird Theatre in Denver, Amy Courts opened for a returned, renewed, revived Jennifer Knapp and a snarky yet poignant Derek Webb.

One of my only tweets that night was: Watching my bestbud do BGVs for @jennifer_knapp is both surreal & totally regular all at the same time. We pretended to do this in college.

So many times, we stop ourselves short of dreaming big, telling ourselves that it's unrealistic and that, for whatever reason, we don't deserve to achieve our dreams. I officially dare you to dream big. Not just big; dream AMY-big. I can assure you that you will get hurt (she has). I can almost certainly guarantee that things will fall through (they have for her). But what I can be absolutely certain of is that, sometimes, big dreams force the great planet alignments and you end up on tour with one of your biggest musical inspirations (she did).




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On owning who I am....

In less than a month, I'm turning 30. I know there are some people that either freaked out when they turned 30 or think that I should be freaking out about turning 30, but the truth of the matter is that I couldn't possibly be more excited! Husband and I are moving into our first house and I'm graduating from university, all in my 30th year. What's not exciting about all that? Plus, he's throwing me a bash for my birthday and I get to buy a new slinky gown or something. I mean, honestly...how could I NOT be excited?

I've watched my mother hit some pretty major milestones...30, then 40, then 50. She hit all of them with a great deal of grace and ease. I most remember her turning 40. She informed my dad that if he threw her any sort of party that involved anything black or "death-y", she would be more pissed off than he's ever seen her. She actually made all of us - dad and the 3 kids - very aware of that threat. And we were bright enough to take her seriously. Dad ended up taking her our for a lovely dinner while us kids and all their friends set up a graveyard in the garage (my parents and all their friends turn 40 in the same year) complete with dry ice and nonsense. Mom was PISSED when she was welcomed home to that. She almost started crying...until she walked into the house and saw literally HUNDREDS of colorful flower arrangements, a giant cake (seriously probably could feed 200 people), and all her friends. It was magical!

All that to say that my mom has really nailed every single milestone. Knocked 'em outta the park. By the time she turned 30, she had three kids, a solid career, and was *this close* to literally owning a home....like, outright paying off that damn banknote. It was a remarkable year. When she turned 40, well, you read how that went down. And when she hit 50 just a few years ago, she started learning to ballroom dance with my dad. Now, they actually compete...and they're GOOD!

So when people talk about dreading turning 30, I'm a bit confused by it. I don't understand the fear of hitting those milestones. Having my mother hit all of them while I was young enough to miss whatever fear might have been there, but old enough to remember how she reacted has probably been empowering for me. My mom is really a remarkable woman. Lots of self-respect, decency, intuition, and hilarity in that woman. I can't imagine my parents as "old" because of how they've floated through life, not willing to let it get the best of them. Rather, they take life by the horns and really f*ck with it...they throw life for a loop most of the time. My mom is a 50-year-old in a 30-year-old body...and that's all I really want for myself. I just want to embrace life and everything that it has to offer.

Here's what 30 means to me: I'm still young enough to party, but old enough to have enough not to need to troll for drinks at a bar (i.e. I'll just get 'em myself, thanks). It means that I'm young enough to have fun and old enough to know the consequences (good or bad). It means that my life is truly my own and that I can feel as old or young as I want to. It means that I am fully capable of knowing that I am my mother's daughter in every sense imaginable and I can finally, without hesitation, say that I love when people tell me I'm "so much like my mother."

Turning 30, scary? Hell no. Let's rock this!



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On taking responsibility.....

This is a piece that I wrote for a Global Issues course a few weeks ago. The topic isn't necessarily something I'm passionate about, but it is something that I believe is an important issue. Enjoy...Comment...Think....
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Terrorism and environmental misconduct have common roots in selfishness and a lack of responsibility. As a 20-something in this era, I have been able to watch both of these problems develop over the last several years. September 11th is the act of terrorism that stands out the most in my memory, but perhaps it isn’t the greatest injustice perpetrated against a global community.

Terrorism, by and large, comprises numerous illegal acts. I believe that most countries would deem acts of terrorism to be illegal. The murder of many people at once is typically the end result of much terrorism. Outside of considering the 9-11 attacks on the United States, one of the most well-known acts of recent terrorism is probably the massacre of Israeli athletes at the 1972 Olympic Games in Munich, Germany.

The film, One Day in September (Macdonald, 1999), is a fascinating look into the days and moments leading up to the killing of eleven Israeli athletes by the Palestinian group, Black September. This film shows us real footage of those events as newscasters from around the world try to help us understand the situation. Black September was demanding the release of over 200 Palestinian captives in exchange for the lives of these eleven athletes.

Being so far removed, culturally and temporally, from this event gives me a somewhat broader perspective on it. The members of Black September simply wanted the countrymen freed. For reasons that we may never understand, these men obviously used a violent scare tactic in order to gain the release of those people. Was it illegal for Black September to hold captive and ultimately kill the Israeli Olympians? A definite “yes,” especially where murder is concerned.

What makes this question challenging is that the crime was against Israelis by Palestinians on German soil. So the question then becomes was it a moral and ethical crime or was it a statutory offense?

Whatever the case may have been, Israel responded in similar fashion. Detailed in the book “Vengeance” by George Jonas (Simon & Schuster, September 2005), we are able to get a better understanding of the response to terrorism. The question becomes, “What is the point?” For the Palestinians, it was to get their countrymen back. For the Israelis, it was to avenge the murders of eleven of their countrymen. In responding, however, did they not become terrorists themselves? The same question might well be asked of America in response to 9-11.

According to George Jonas, “Terrorists are defined not by their political aims but by the means they use to achieve them” (Jonas, p. xxiii). Another possible definition would be “making a [ideological] statement by killing innocent people.” Your method of defining “terrorism” will reflect directly on your understanding of it.

By and large, the biggest difference between standard military operations and a terrorist operation is the covertness of it. Acts of terrorism happen outside of government sanctions and typically do not employ the military. In the case of “Vengeance,” the men who formed the operation were civilians, with the exception of the lead, who had military training when he was younger.

Often times, terrorists behave in opposition to their government(s), but because of the story of “Vengeance,” I absolutely do not believe that all terrorists are opponents of the government. The Israeli Prime Minister Golde Meir, after all, organized the team that went after the Palestinian terrorists. Additionally, when a person comes from a theocratic country, it is impossible to separate politics from religion. In the case of Islam, religion dictates politics.
The 9-11 terrorists have claimed a right of religious duty to explain their actions. Since they are from a theocratic society, no real case can be made that these men were opponents of their government. Thought they were likely Islam extremists, I tend to find more and more that the only “terrorists” opposed to government are American “terrorists” (i.e. “Jihad Jane” and Andrew Stack [www.abcnews.com]).

What I find interesting is that many Americans believe terrorists only come from other countries. Rarely have I heard someone talk about terrorist attacks that Americans have made on other countries. A great example of this is when the United States dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima, Japan to force their surrender in World War II. The effects, both on the people and the environment, are so far-reaching that we may never fully understand them. In my opinion, to deny that this was an act of terrorism seems foolish. In one fell swoop, over 70,000 people were killed and by the end of the year, some 140,000 had died from various injuries and radiation (www.cfo.doe.gov).

The results of the atomic bomb should lead us to question the issues of technological advancements as they apply to the environment. While it is easy to see the consequences of terrorism and the loss of life (because of its immediacy), it is much more difficult to see immediate results of environmental irresponsibility, which has an equally (if not larger) impact on the health and well-being of humanity.

I am a techno-junkie and absolutely love having the latest and greatest toys and equipment, the development (and discarding) of which has drastic effects on the environment.

It is not only iPods and computers that do this. We can look so much further back in our history to see what technological advances have done to the environment. Take cars, for example. The greenhouse gas emissions that cars produce, by and large, come from the burning of fossil fuels, those that fuel our vehicles (as well as our homes and businesses) (Gore, 22). Without the means to escape these greenhouse gases are trapped in the atmosphere, all the while dangerously increasing the temperature of the entire world.

America alone emits approximately 25% of all greenhouse gases on the planet. Add to this the amount of goods we import and consume from countries like China, a country with fewer regulations than us, and the United States has an even larger responsibility. While we are constantly on the lookout for new advances in technology, it is also incredibly important that we step back to consider what we are doing might be doing to the rest of the world. We need to think about how our actions affect the environment.

In his book, “An Inconvenient Truth,” (Rodale Books, May 2006) Al Gore discusses in great detail the effects that technological advances have had on the environment. He admits that technology has improved the quality of life for everyone, citing the light bulb as a huge advance. However, he warns that activities such as strip-mining have huge environmental consequences, some of which seem like they should be basic to understand. We all know that plants and trees emit life-giving gases so what do we think will happen when we strip entire mountain sides of trees? Those gases are no longer being pushed into the air for us humans to take in.

The United States emits more greenhouse gases that every other continent (except Europe) combined (Gore, 156). That creates a large environmental responsibility we must shoulder but our size, wealth, and power give us a unique advantage in creating resolutions to these issues. Some of the smartest people in the world come to our country to study and invent. Why not use this to our advantage and start using this intelligence to make more suitable technologies for our very consumer-driven society?

Humans are incredibly intelligent, but also remarkably selfish, especially in highly developed nations. We are all responsible for our own actions. Terrorists, no matter what country they are from, need to be held responsible for the mass destruction and murder their actions cause. At the same time, people from developed nations need to be held to a rather high standard of environmental responsibility. We can quickly see how many people were killed when the World Trade Center towers fell. What is challenging is to grasp the long-ranging effects of our environmental misconduct in nations halfway around the globe. While capitalism may make life more challenging in under-developed nations, our misuse and mistreatment of the environment could lead to the extermination of human life, as we know it.




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On waiting until the very (and I mean VERY) last minute....

Confession: I am a chronic procrastinator.

I always have been. I blame it on my ability to function extremely well under pressure and stress. I do some of my best work on a serious time-crunch. If someone gives me a deadline, I manage to push the work to the very last minute. But I wonder if the stress and procrastination go not only hand-in-hand, but are cyclical? Do I procrastinate only to become unduly stressed thereby producing amazing work? What would happen if I planned more appropriately and gave myself time to do a really bang-up job? Would the quality of the work be the same? Worse? Better?

In a meeting at work several weeks ago, my boss made the comment, "If it can be done now, just do it and be done with it."

I have a "bad" habit of being very efficient at the office so I often have to push things off so that I have something to do tomorrow. But ever since the Boss Man made that comment, I've been working in that manner. So what has that done for the quality of my work?

It's better. I know that may seem not at all shocking to some of you. In fact, some may be saying, "Of course it's better! Why wouldn't it be?" It seems like a purely logical conclusion to come to, but for someone that has worked her entire professional life under serious pressure, I wasn't really sure how quitting procrastination cold-turkey would affect me.

One of the most stressful projects of my year came to a close yesterday. There are a few loose ends that I need to tie up, but about 90% of the work is complete. Not once did I feel pressure or stress. I just did my job (and a little more than was asked of me, or SHOULD be asked of me) and everything went incredibly smoothly. It was hard, don't get me wrong, but taking the time to get ahead of the game proved invaluable for this project. For the last few years, I've been doing these projects as I was taught to do them, which involved pushing things to the last minute and basically running about like a headless chicken. What a completely ridiculous use of my time, don't you think?

And so I now find myself about six months "ahead of the game." I feel substantially more in control of my work life which is beginning to make a nice transition into my school life. It's a little harder there as I have spent the last eleven years pushing projects and papers to the last minute. It's taking time to get rid of the procrastination there, but I'm finding myself doing things immediately, more and more often. It's quite a nice change of pace.

The only arena that is still being plagued by my chronic procrastination is that of packing up our house to move. But that's just because packing and moving are like my personal seventh inner circle of hell.



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On leading a drama-free life....

At what point in one's life does "drama" become both unnecessary and unacceptable?

For a long time, I figured that by the time I'd reached 25, it would have all ended. I went through a lot between the ages of 17 and 25 so I guessed that I'd be out of the thick of it by then.

I was wrong.

There was more and more drama, more and more heartache, and, in general, just more stupid.

So as I approach the end of my 20s and the beginning of the next chapter, I'm considering what a drama-free life means and how to achieve that.

It's very simple.

Choose to be drama-free.

It sort of goes back to taking and having control of your own life. We're the only ones that can decide how our lives are going to turn out.

I honestly believe there are people in the world that crave drama. They just love having something to bitch about or cry over or complain about or whatever about. I've been one of those people. Early on in my 20s, I loved when people were shitty to each other, in fights with each other, talking about each other....half the time, I was either causing the drama or the drama was coming to me. And I loved it!

But as time went on, it just became too much. I was exhausted all the time, I couldn't sleep at night, I was drinking probably more than I should have been. It just wasn't worth it. The people weren't worth it and the drama wasn't worth it. So I cut it all out and off. I was just done. But no matter how hard I seemed to try, the drama kept coming back. Except that it would come back and the people WOULD be worth it. So we all deal with the drama and sometimes friendships are strained, but (most of the time) are not broken.

Drama takes on a life of its own, if left unchecked. It comes around when you least expect it and often times at the most undesirable moments. And the feelings from my early 20s come screaming back...not the desire for drama to be around, but the exhaustion, the lack of sleep, the zombie-like facade. It's complete nonsense and I absolutely detest those feelings (and I find myself thinking, "I'm too old for this crap!").

Then I remember that I am the only person who can and is allowed to control my life so I choose to do just that. I block the drama, I cut it off, I mock it, and finally, I ignore it. I have better things to do with my time and my life. I refuse to be controlled by something that can just as easily be ignored as paid attention to. I have too many other important and exciting things to deal with drama. Honestly, who needs to?

And as a very brief message to the Drama Queens of the universe: please consider the possibility that nobody gives a shit.

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On sensing control.....

There have been some fun changes going on in the office as of late.

My desk got moved, which means that in the four years I've worked here, I've lived at five different desks (and have had three different job titles). The move happened while I was taking some time off to ski...I got a call from my boss as a follow up to the text, "Call me asap. Don't worry...just need to run something by you." Well, PHEW!

So Monday morning, I walk to my new desk and it's a total Charlie Foxtrot. My computer is in shambles, my personal items and various files are strewn about my desk, and all I could think was, "I have space again!" You see, my previous desk, while lovely, was designed more for an executive who doesn't require a bazillion files to be on his or her desk at any given moment. My new desk probably almost triples the amount of space that I had a week ago...oh happy day!

I think some people thought I'd be really upset (or, at the very least, somewhat perturbed) that I'd been moved. The truth is, I couldn't be happier. I have more space, my own space, some sense of privacy, more movement...there are a lot of reasons I'm glad my work space has been moved. I got what has been termed "the shittiest cube in the office" and when asked if that was an issue, my only response was, "Do I really have a choice?" There's no where else for me to go and, beyond that, what's the point of complaining about it anyway? I simply do not care.

All that to say, I am the only one responsible for my attitude toward and outlook on life.

I'm a firm believer that people will come in and out our lives that are capable of making us feel certain ways, good or bad. When someone hurts your feelings or is cruel, it's hard not to ask, "Why would you do or say that?" or say "Well, that made me feel pretty crappy." The same is true when someone pays you a compliment or commends something about your life...isn't our immediate reaction, verbal or otherwise, "Wow, that felt great!"

People can be and sometimes are responsible for the way we feel.

What they are not responsible for is how we react to those feelings. In the purest sense, people simply do not have control over your life. You do. We all have control over our own lives. We just have to choose to exercise that control. For me, there are about a million ways that can happen. Some things require action, others inaction. Some things require that I simply decide in my head how to control my life, some things require that I voice those decisions.

Beyond what I, myself, can do, there is just no reason or sense in getting upset over things I cannot control. It takes too much energy and requires more than I'm willing to give. I can't control if someone wants to be shitty - to me, about me, or in general. So why get bent out of shape about it? I, and I alone, know how I'm going to react, what I'm going to believe, and how I'm going to move forward and beyond. Because, at the end of the day, being shitty back accomplishes precisely nothing. It turns me into an ugly person that I have no intention of becoming.

I may not have a perfect life and I certainly don't NEED a Stepford life, but frankly there's nothing wrong with trying to be as decent a person as I can be. That's something I can control, should I choose to.

I don't have a perfect life, but I choose to have a happy life. And at the end of the day, that's all I really need.


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