On justifiable temper tantrums....

For some time now, I've been thinking about anger...bitterness...these sorts of things.

Anger is probably the easiest emotion to feel, yet also probably the least productive. Why is that? Why is it so easy to feel angry? I've long believed that it's easy because it's secondary. There's always another emotion lying just below anger. Whatever that is, it's probably a lot harder to deal with, put a name on, or face that just being pissed off.

And while it feels good to get mad, to fly off in a fit of rage, it feels that much more out-of-control. Any time I've ever gone into full-blown rage (which is rare, but ugly), it's like having an out-of-body experience. I feel like I'm watching a weird version of myself doing and saying things that the rational me would never do or say. What is THAT about? Anger essentially takes over me, thereby transferring whatever power and control I have to the person/situation/whatever that has sent me there.

According to Verne Kallejian, PhD, "Being irrationally angry solves nothing. You are just indulging yourself with a childish temper tantrum." Oh, burn. As a grown-up, being called a child is nothing short of offensive. No one wants to be accused of immaturity or childishness. We've all heard stories of what parents do to their child in the midst of a tantrum. Some of them pick the child up like a football and exit immediately. Some point and laugh. Some spank. Whatever the consequence, it's never pretty and almost always embarrassing (usually for the parent, but sometimes for the child).

As adults, we have slightly different and more mature coping mechanisms for when something makes us angry. But what if the provoking situation is SO unbelievable that the only available reaction is anger...rage...hatred...eventual bitterness? I have found myself in this very conundrum. And it's a very lonely, solitary place. You cannot make another person feel anger for you. You can just be angry and hope that they'll either sympathize or empathize and make some attempt at understanding. But when you're angry, it's all you. Only you. Only me.

I know I have to move past anger when I'm there. It feels good, momentarily anyway. It also makes me feel incredibly defensive. I'm not sure why. I shouldn't really have to justify being angry that someone has so horribly wronged me or that something was done to me that's nigh on unforgivable. Yes, there are moments when I've been unnecessarily pissed off. I've tripped up the stairs or the dogs have scratched my legs or my computer isn't connecting to the internet quickly enough. None of these things warrant anger, much less excessive anger. But I fully believe that some situations both warrant and necessitate anger in its purest form. Righteous anger, I like to call it.

Anger is lonely. No one can pull you out of your anger but you. There's a phrase I used to tell the girls I mentored many years ago: You have to want to want to change, then you have to want to change, then you change.

It's that simple. Well, simple on paper anyway. Putting all that into action takes a bit more gumption. Especially when the "change" you want is just plain ol' forgetfulness. I just want to forget what made me angry. I can't pretend nothing happened, but if I could forget about it, it would be far less consuming. And I could blow-dry my hair in peace again.

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On miscellaneousness....

I haven't written anything in a long time. Long, by my standards anyway. I just haven't had anything interesting to say. I've had much to think about, but can't seem to get any of it into any sort of coherent phrasing. So much for that mission to "write with intention" or whatever it was that I said the other month.

And so I offer snippets of the last few weeks.

I made my first lattice-crust apple pie, which was magical. Husband and I each downed a piece the night I made it...the rest continues to sit in the fridge. Who needs pie every single night?

I'm ready to NOT be blonde. In just a few short days (ten, to be exact), I'll be back to a more natural color. The peroxide necessary to maintain this color on me is making my hair fall out at a rapid pace. And the peroxide is also starting to hurt my head when I do touch-ups. Time for something new and natural. I might even try that whole Ovation Cell Therapy to help get my hair back to it's original condition (which was amazing, if I do say so myself).

Husband accidentally bought decaf coffee the other day. This week has been miserable. Not only am I suffering through a severe lack of caffeine, but Colorado's weather is also wreaking havoc on my body. Pretty typical, but I never get used to these headaches and backaches. I'm ready for summer and fall, my two favorite seasons. But the lack of caffeine is helping me sleep better, so there is a silver lining, which I'm glad for.

House closing is less than a month away. We're trying to figure out all the little details right now, but so far, everything is going exactly as it should. I'm ready to be in our own home...our first home. It's going to be fantastic! Especially once I get all the furniture I want in there! We're hosting Christmas this year, so I'm especially excited about getting a dining room table and having space for our family and friends. It's going to be glorious! And yes, I already have the dinner menu set. It's how I roll.

My brother is home, safe and no worse for the wear, from India. He's got some pretty fantastic stories, some good, some not so good. India is an interesting country, by his accounts, but I'm not sure it's a country that's making its way up my list of "must-see" very quickly. Brother is still rather sick from everything he came down with while in India, but is on the mend. Just not allowed to have any booze yet. But he did get accepted to Harvard's graduate program and that's something worth having a celebratory drink over. We'll have to hold off on that for the time being.

I am increasingly annoyed with commentary. Not everything requires or necessitates a reaction. Someone wearing their hair curly one day and straight the next is certainly not worth commenting on. Sometimes, it's like I'm surrounded by multiple John Maddens. And I hate that. It is actually okay to not make a comment on every single thing that happens (cough cough Glenn Beck).

Husband's first novel is at the printers as we speak! This is really the most exciting thing that's gone on for the last few weeks. The cover art finally got, well, finalized. It took SEVERAL tries, but the result was worth the wait ("cover porn", it's been called, because it's that good). The draft copy of the manuscript was re-edited and finalized and made it to the printer over the weekend...so we should be seeing a hardcover proof any day now. You should really consider buying a copy when it comes out! Especially if you a) like to read b) like supporting local artists c) are prone to the fantasy genre or d) want to help Husband become more well-know within this very exclusive community of published writers! Go to Trapdoor Books for more information...and to check out other local authors and their books!

And if you like what you're reading on Use.The.Clutch, consider following it publicly!

On becoming a desperate housewife....

We watched "Julie & Julia" during date night last week. Ever since then, I've had visions of kitchen ecstasy dancing in my head. I've been inspired, to a certain degree. I want to make the most delicious foods that anyone has ever put in their mouths. I want taste buds to dance!

I have dreams of becoming some combination of Bree Hodge, Julia Child, and Martha Stewart. I want to host the best parties when I serve the most decadent food and the décor is precisely in line with the understated theme of the party.

I'll serve every Sunday dinner on a perfectly dressed dining room table, complete with candlesticks and wine glasses. Every Saturday morning, I'll make French toast with hazelnut ganache or Belgian waffles with whipped cream from scratch or eggs Benedict or anything else equally as delectable. I'll bake up the most amazing treats for any holiday you can think of, beginning with Christmas, of course, when I'll master the art of my grandmother's cookies and desserts. My cakes and pies will be perfection (I'm going to start with a lattice-topped apple pie...nom nom nom). And on top of all that, I'll have a well-stocked bar for which I'll be the most informed bar tender I can possibly be.

I already have my perfect kitchen apron, complete with pockets and ruffles. I have my KitchenAid stand mixer which, I believe, completes any kitchen. My collection of knives and other kitchen essentials is expansive. Non-stick bakeware with coordinating non-stick liners, check. Heavy-duty Teflon cookware, check. Cooling racks, check. Marble rolling pin, check. Stockpiles of cookbooks, check.

All I really need now is....nothing, I guess. Time, maybe. But I can always find time for baking! Cooking is another story and I'll be making time for that in the very near future. I've always been a better baker than cook though I'm making significant strides in that arena. I do, after all, want to be the best.

I’m not sure I want to (or ever will be prepared to) work my way through Mastering The Art of French Cooking, but I certainly wouldn’t mind being a master of my own kitchen and my own family’s edible happiness!

I’m starting this new mission of mine this weekend with my most complicated baking endeavor yet. I’ll be whipping up, with the help of my husband, Irish Car Bomb cupcakes. The word “infused” is used the recipe and nothing – absolutely NOTHING – comes from a box. Bree, Julia, and Martha would all be very pleased. And as the recipe calls for all things Car Bomb – Guinness, whiskey, and Irish crème - I’m sure I’ll be wildly delighted with any cupcake outcome by the end of it.

And if nothing else, I’ll have the fixin’s for real Car Bombs.

On getting noticed....

I have no issue with saying it. I want to be a big deal. I want to be important and known (not to mention understood).

I know it's a little late in my life to be saying this (being that I'm *gasp* 62 days away from being thirty), but I'm ready to really commit to being the person I intend to be. I'm just stuck trying to figure out how to do that.

I mentioned several entries ago that the idea of being a "Twilebrity" (Vanity Fair's word, not mine) is more than a little appealing to me. Sure, Twitter/blogging/Facebook/social media in general can seem a little self-serving and just plain narcissistic, but I'm not sure that's completely the case. Social media has really evolved in the last few years. We all used to have MySpace pages where we'd update our profiles and pictures and statuses so that our friends all over the country (even the world) would know what we were up to. It was really base-level, if you ask me. And people were accused of using MySpace to avoid real interaction with real people. That was probably true, to a certain degree.

MySpace has all but gone by the wayside for "regular people." We all migrated over to Facebook (some of us *cough cough me* very begrudgingly) and now, well, who (or WHAT) doesn't have a Facebook page? Hell, we can become fans of a pickle, fans of "That's what she said", fans of books, programs, shows, musicians, charities, whatever!

Facebook has become an extension of productivity for a lot of people and businesses. Now, we can really get our messages out there. Companies can not only advertise on sidebars, but can have a designated page where people can become fans of the company or it's product; and the company can introduce to products or services to all their "fans" with a great deal of ease. Nothing says "easy marketing" like deploying one message to hundreds/thousands/millions of people in one fell swoop.

So yes, I'd like to be a part of that. I'd like my writing to be important to other people, people I don't even know. There's a lot of give and take involved in that, however. It means being interested in what other people are saying and taking a pro-active course in getting my name out there. This is precisely why I Twitter with a great deal of regularity. I want people to know I exist; more specifically, that I exist as a writer, as someone with things to say. So by tweeting, I'm letting people know what I do...thus, I reciprocate when someone says anything noteworthy...I re-tweet it. Maybe it's just a nicety of social media, but I kind of like it, to be honest.

Frankly, I'd love to see someone famous RT me.

On give and take....

Today is National Grammar Day. I told my husband this is a day that he should send me flowers at the office. He scoffed, saying that I'm guaranteed flowers on other, more meaningful days of the year. But for a person that loves all things grammatical, what could be a more important day?

At any rate, I am discovering more and more how much I DO NOT care about many left-brained things...science, math, these types of things. I am more than indifferent about how or why the human body works. I don't find it necessary to understand the physics of how the Golden Gate Bridge works. Math with letters (like algebra and other such nonsense) just confuses me. All of these things continually remind me of how much loathing I carry for them and that they're the reason for doctors, engineers, and Microsoft Excel. I have no intention of learning about math beyond balancing my checking account or about biology beyond getting a passing grade in the class.

I certainly don't begrudge people who DO like these things. My own father, after all, is a brilliant mechanical engineer for whom physics and trigonometry are essentials. And if we didn't have people who liked math and science, we'd all be really sick and would be living in Tower-of-Pisa-like buildings.

But without people who love language and its inherent structure, there would be a lot less books and movies and a lot of businesses would be sending out letters with the aptitude of a junior higher (or worse).

The world is all very give-and-take when it comes to the right- v. left-brained subjects.

On making contributions...

Contributing to society is something that's always been important to me. I want to make the most out of my life while I'm around and I figure that in order to really feel fulfilled, I need to contribute to the world, at large.

I've donated my time to several teenage girls over the years (some of the most rewarding work I've ever done, especially when one of them remembered this ONE thing that I told her...man, that was huge). I've done some fund-raising or given money to various organizations throughout the years (Red Cross and these types of things). I've given my knowledge of wedding and event planning to numerous friends and acquaintances (one of my favorite things to do, quite honestly).

But recently, I've been pondering my contributions in the work place.

I had a meeting with my boss the other day to let him know that as I get closer and closer to degree completion, I need to start thinking about how to apply my education to my job. Business realms aren't the most ideal for me, but I can contribute nonetheless. I think we can all apply our own skill set to whatever job or position we're in at any given moment, regardless of it's desireability.

So how does an English major with a passion for all things grammatical apply her know-how to airplanes and insurance? I have absolutely no idea. So this is where I have to start thinking outside the box. Okay, so I'm not going to be writing any journal articles for my company any time soon (I don't have the background industry knowledge, for one). But what about manuals? Templates? Handbooks? I'm damn good at spelling things out pretty clearly.

This sort of goes back to something I read in The Trump Card several months ago. Ivanka had an entire chapter devoted to knowing when and how to ask for more money. "Be prepared," she suggests. Have documentation, quantifiable data, prove yourself! The one thing she said that really hit home (although, frankly, after reading it, should have been kind of "duh" info) was: If you've been at the same job for five years doing the same thing, you shouldn't be asking for a raise. You should be glad you have a job.

That's the thing. Gone are the days when employees are bonused or raised based on longevity. Employers and employees alike are looking for more. And I hate to say it, but "in this economy" employers need to be given a reason to keep us around, much less give us raises. We, the employees, want decent benefits, decent hours, and good pay. They, the employers, want to know why they should do that for us. Yeah, we're all good at our jobs, but how many of us are truly indispensable?

I have a very good friend, who happens to kind of a BFD at her company, and at 30 years old is a bigger deal than I could ever hope to be when I retire! However, she didn't get there on hopes, wishing, or bitching. She did something about it! She got her MBA, she created processes and forms and really substantial systems. And she sure as hell isn't afraid to make sure the right people know what she's doing and she's even less afraid to tell her boss when she's bored or under-challenged. And this is part of why she is the BFD she is. This is a girl who, in the middle of a massive recession, hiring freezes, and lay-off frenzies, wound herself up with a raise and a promotion. No small potatoes, I should think.

So when she talks, I listen.
And in the meantime, I try to come up with additional contributions I can make, other suggestions I have, things I can do to make myself more valuable in an attempt to become, well, indispensable.

Here goes nothin'....